The No Contact Rule FAQs, Facts and Q&A

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is a process in which one party completely disassociates from the other party immediately following the breakup of a romantic relationship. The disassociation includes termination of all forms of communication. The parties will not exchange phone calls, emails, text messages, instant messages, video messages, written letters, sign language, smoke signals, telepathic messages, dove messages, raven messages, or messages in a bottle.

What Is No Contact Lite?

No Contact Lite is a form of NC that a person uses if he or she shares a child with the other party. The person will have minimal communication with the other parent, and the content of the conversation will include only visitation plans, appointment times, and other information regarding the child.

Why Do People Do the No Contact Rule?

People implement the No Contact Rule for one of three reasons: to get their ex back, to force a specific relationship change, or to heal and rebuild their lives. Reasons one and two almost always result in an epic fail.

Does the No Contact Rule Work?

That would depend on the user’s motive and his or her definition of the term “work.” See previous answer for the effectiveness of different strategies.

Who Are You?

I am a psychology graduate who has personal experience with narcissists, codependents, people with various addictions, and people with various mental illnesses. I am also an abuse survivor and a former codependent who suffers from bipolar disorder and secondary OCD.

How Long Have You Been Doing NC? Why?

I have done NC for 353 days and 17 hours, 11 months and 19 days, or 30,560,400 seconds. Take your pick. Why? Hmm, well, because I was on a romantic journey to nowhere. I was working as a stunt double/placeholder/fill-in. I was giving and not receiving. My dreams weren’t being fulfilled, etc. and yadda yadda.

How Long Should I Do the No Contact Rule?

The word indefinitely comes to mind first, but if you just want to do it for self-healing, then three to six months should suffice.

When Should I Start the No Contact Rule?

When you feel like you can no longer breathe because of the pain that the relationship is causing you. When you have more bad times than you have good times. When your good times are so short that they don’t even matter anymore. When you realize that the last X amount of years of your life were pointless. When you feel like you want to die because you’ve been used and discarded so harshly. In other words, whenever you’ve had enough. You’ll know when that is.

How Should I Start the No Contact Rule?

You can do it using the Gangsta Style or the Graceful Sweetheart Style. Gangsta style means you don’t tell the other person anything. You just do it, and you like it. The Graceful Sweetheart Style is a compassionate method for a person who still gives a damn whether the NCed party will suffer.

Is the No Contact Rule Cruel?

Yes, it is.

Does the No Contact Rule Hurt?

Yes, it does. If you have a strong bond with the person, then NC will feel as if you ripped your own heart out of your chest, and set it on fire, and forced yourself to watch it burn. The flames will burn for months.

What Items Can Help Me With the NC Rule?

E-mail block lists and call/text blocking software will become your best friends during NC. Yahoo has the best email-blocking program because it sends the messages to oblivion. Oblivion! Not your trash folder—and not your spam folder. You will never see any messages from any party that you have on your block list. Dead2Me is my personal favorite Android app for blocking calls and texts. It’s a no-nonsense program that you can read more about here.

You may also want to read some self-help books although many of them will try to teach you how to “get your ex back.” I do not teach that here. You can read blogs and articles, and you can join NC groups. Many groups and pages exist on the Internet. Additionally, you will want to surround yourself with friends who will act as surrogates/supporters/motivators when you get the urge to contact or answer your ex.

Will I Get My Ex Back?

No, but what you will get is a person who loses respect for you every time you fail NC. You don’t want that kind of person in your life because he or she will just beg you back long enough to use you and abuse you again.

Should I Contact My Ex Again?

What on earth for? Of course you shouldn’t. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It just means that you need to think about why you’re doing it first. You could end up with an extremely embarrassing experience on your hands if your ex: has someone else, doesn’t want to speak to you, or doesn’t even remember who the plug you are. Then you’ve placed yourself right back into the “bent over” position to receive more pain or abuse. I say no thanks to that. Maybe you should, too.

What Do I Say After the No Contact Rule?

If you are the person who initiated NC, then the first communication will be difficult (if you must do it). You can probably say anything you want because the other party will think you are crazy no matter what you say.

If you are the person who has been NCed, then you can probably start with an apology. There must be a reason for which you have been NCed. “How have you been?” “I was thinking about you and…” “Sorry things ended the way they did…” Any of those phrases may open dialogue—and I emphasize the word may.

There is no guarantee that the NC initiator will want to talk to you, and you need to ask yourself why you want a response from this person anyway. If you’re ego tripping—just stop it. If you have some positive output—meh. Maybe. Just understand that there is a high chance that you will receive a rejection/no reply, especially if the NC initiator went through hell to disassociate from you.

Baptism Is Sunday (Full Immersion)

I showed up at church at exactly 9 a.m. to speak with the minister. We didn’t talk very long because I didn’t need to know much of anything. I know how a church operates; I know how their church operates; I’m feeling’ it. Anyway, he just wanted to ensure that I know what the purpose of a baptism is and that it has NOTHING to do with joining the church. Some churches tell you that you have to get baptized into their church to be a member, but that’s not what it’s all about there. I know. I’m already a member. They have a separate mini-ceremony at the end of worship for people who want to be members.

He explained to me that they did the full immersion method, as well. They don’t believe in the sprinkling method. Okay, that’s what I assumed they would do. We did talk about the Bible a bit, as I told him I had been reading the Bible from “the beginning.” He said that he and his wife are also Old Testament fans (yay). He was surprised I didn’t fall asleep on Leviticus due to the repetition though, lol. He said that Numbers would be a hard read because, “It’s just numbers. They count the people. That’s why it’s called numbers.” I laughed inside my head because I’ll probably be the only looney to LIKE reading Numbers.

Anyway, he did advise me to read John and then go back to whatever Old Testament books I want to read. He also gave me a CHRONOLOGICAL printout so that I can read the Bible in chronological order if I want to. Yes!!!! Tameka (he called me Tameka once) loves when things are in order!!!

I arranged the Baptism for Sunday because it’s a big thing that I feel should be witnessed by many people. I want my son to see so that he understands that it isn’t a scary or harmful process. He has water issues sometimes, and he freaks out. Just washing his hair is difficult. He will bathe in the bathtub, but he flips whenever I try to get him to put his head back so I can wash his hair. He fears drowning I think, but I have no idea why. I want him to be baptized, but not until he understands what he is doing, and he’s no longer scared of immersion. I think I will have him ready when he’s seven or so.

I doubt if my dad or oldest son will come because they probably can’t. I invited them anyway. I’m very excited and ready to cleanse myself/get even closer to Jesus. I have already turned from my sins. I have already ready changed, but I need to do the public testimony and the ritual that is in the Scriptures.

Now, let’s talk about my mood. I’m okay today. I just have to watch myself at all times. Anything can become an obsession for me: physical items, people, jobs, rituals, etc. Even a good thing like reading the Bible can turn into an engulfing obsession. My brain is just hard-wired in such a manner. I’ve been extremely careful ever since I learned through studying myself that it takes me three instances to establish a routine/obsession. I always pull back if I find myself so “excited” about something that I repeat it three times. I usually stop for a day or two and then “mix it up” with some other activity. I do not want to establish any routines that are hard to break.

True confessions of an OCD sufferer: It hurts like HELL to break a long-term routine. Separating from my last relationship and my last job kicked my butt so bad that I don’t ever want to attach to anything again. I’m extremely careful with myself. Managing OCD and BP is very difficult, especially when they play off each other a lot.

One of my doctors keeps giving me SSRIs because he wants to prevent me from having a severe depressive episode. The other doctor keeps giving me SSRIs because they can sometimes minimize OCD symptoms. Both of them are ignoring crucial information: THEY MAKE ME MANIC IMMEDIATELY! They don’t work. Why don’t they trying something else???

I will rest on the Bible reading today and do something else. I may go see a movie later if it’s still five bucks. I think I will go with the Dracula movie. I wanted to see “Addicted” because I found the male mistress attractive, lol. However, watching a movie with such content would probably aggravate me and make me get mad again about things that should be buried. Dracula it is.

I Have a Confession to Make

I was cranky today. My mood was not good. The reason behind my poor mood was my schedule interruption. It irritates me to no end when I finally get my brain to put out some material, and then I have to stop. I had reserved several writing orders today, and I had the perfect setup to meet a much needed goal. I didn’t expect to be at the doctor’s all day, and that just screwed up everything for me. I don’t like schedule interruptions when I’m OCD-ish.

I’m still a bit aggravated, as I’ll have to stay up late if I want to do some of the other things I need to do. Maybe I should just go to sleep, lol. I do have to discuss my baptism first thing in the morning tomorrow.

The articles that I did write tonight (3) were not good, or at least I don’t think they were. I didn’t have the same spark I had this morning. I have to seize every moment that my brain is willing to do this for me. If the spark leaves me, then I either can’t write—or I write crappy stuff, which is just as bad as not writing is.

And yeah, my therapist aggravated me with her perky “I can” speech. Wench, if I could—I would! The Zoloft Prince didn’t help matters. He didn’t listen to me either.

Me: “The Celexa made me manic.”
Doctor: “Oh, okay. Here’s some Zoloft (same class of drug as Celexa).”

I’ll add that to my personal pharmacy of drugs I don’t take.

I know I’m getting all crazy/obsessive with the Bible reading/studying/analyzing, too. I always have to be sure to regulate things when I see myself getting too involved with something. Not that I don’t want to read it. I still have every intention of reading it. I’m still getting baptized. Still going to church. Still living my life like a pure white flower, lol. I just noticed that I was exhibiting obsessive behaviors. I have to check myself when I do that.

I’m probably going to delete about 10 entries in which I was rambling on. Why? Just because. Then, I think I should go to bed. I wanted to go to the movies tomorrow, but the schedule interruptions from today will cause mental problems for tomorrow. See how that works?

The Baptism of Timiarah

Church was very very good today, lol. I am sorry I cannot find a better adjective right now, but many positive things occurred. The class was about Old Testament God vs. New Testament God, which is a subject that interests me. I believe that many people lose sight of the Old Testament God and focus on the New Testament God. Some folks believe that they can go around sinning any time they like because “God is love.” Yes, God is certainly love. However, the New Testament God is the same God that the Old Testament was. He just decided to communicate differently later on. God is still wrath and justice along with love. If you go against his laws, you will pay. It is as simple as that. Either you will pay at the end of your life or you will pay during the course of your life. Sometimes, both can occur.

The sermon was about The Good Samaritan. He talked about compassion and helping one’s neighbors. He discussed people who hold up signs in the middle of the road and similar situations. I help the sign holders most of the time. I do not think about their skin color, religious preferences, smell, appearance, etc. I just give them money because they ask. I do not try to figure out whether they are scamming me or not. I do not look for reasons not to help them. I just do it because it is the right thing to do. Most of today’s sermon was about such instances.

B from Illinois approached me in a friendly fashion again today, so we talked a bit. She works for a medical institution—a rehabilitation institution. She gave me her information and her reference in case I would like to obtain employment there. The job for which I was thinking about applying requires only four-hour work shifts. I may be able to obtain medical clearance for minimal part-time work, but I know I cannot do anything more than that. I would love to help at such an institution.

I asked one of the fellas about Baptism after we discussed motorcycle riding, lol. He was telling me about how he loves to ride with his wife when the weather is like this (way too chilly for me). He told me to ask the minister or pastor to baptize me. He realized that I was a bit nervous, so he sent the minister to me. I am to come back to church on Tuesday morning. At that time, I can choose whether I want to have the ceremony that day or on Sunday in front of the entire church.

I had not been baptized before. I was raised as a Baptist Christian, but for some reason, I got some Catholic concepts mixed in there somewhere. I thought I was Christened as a baby or child or some such. My mother just notified me that Baptists do no such thing, and Christening is a Catholic concept, lol.

At any rate, I have always been a believer and follower of Christ. As a human, I have sinned, however. The world is full of powerful forces that I could not/ did not successfully fight off during my weakened periods. I lost my way. I did very bad things. I did not do those things with ill or malicious intentions. I did them out of the purest form of love one could have. However, I also did them with full knowledge of God’s rules, and I felt that my good intentions somehow excused the sins. They did not.

The reason I stayed out of the church as long as I did was that I was downright ashamed. I did not feel as if I was worthy of being in God’s house. I could not come back until I felt that I had stopped sinning, repented enough, and performed my penance. And let me tell you—I paid quite a bit for my biggest sins. I flogged myself internally for the sins. I ended up not getting the loving relationship that I wanted. I had to deal with people viewing me as a harlot or Jezebel when that is NOT who I am. I suffered severe emotional turmoil. Additionally, I had to leave a job that I loved, and I lost countless other things that were important to me.

So now I’m back to church and giving it my full dedication. I was unsure of whether I wanted to join a Christian church or a Catholic church. As I said, I appreciate many of the concepts of Catholicism. But well, I like the church that I attend very much.
I will write about my Baptism ceremony after I have it. Today, I have some things to do. I am finished reading Genesis. On to Exodus later this evening!

P.S.- The hardest sin for me not to do is the cussing, lol. Not cussing is very difficult when I have episodes that involve anger and irritation. Avoiding every other sin is a piece of cake.

A Special Anniversary (NC)

She’s coming up on a year of her self-implemented No Contact Rule. She thought about it today because she noticed that her “…After the No Contact Rule” post is the single most popular post on her website. It beats all other posts by a landslide. The second most popular post on her website is her post about the call blocking software, lol. Obviously, many people in the world need to heal themselves after a breakup of some kind.

She doesn’t think about the rule every day of her life. Half the time she forgets she even has it going on. She doesn’t use the software anymore because there’s no reason to. Her special friend went back to his pre-her life a long time ago. She just used it for the first four months to ENSURE that she would NOT be tempted to communicate JUST IN CASE he actually gave a damn and tried to contact her. She doesn’t need software as a buffer anymore. She’s strong enough to make her own decisions now. When people contact her that she doesn’t want to talk to—she just doesn’t respond.

Software is a great tool for the beginning when you feel weak though. She still attests that Dead2Me is THE BEST software. Honestly, she has no clue if the person tried to call or text during those four months because of the way Dead2Me worked. Communication was no longer a game at that point. She needed to stop the madness as it was killing her inside.

Fast forward almost a year later, and she’s okay, but she’s not extremely happy or anything. She read many articles about the length of time it’s supposed to take a person to “get over” a relationship. Some specialists say it takes the length of the relationship. If that’s true, then she still has many more months to go, lol. Some say that it takes double the time of the relationship. Yikes! Different specialists say that it takes half the time of the relationship, which is definitely not true in this case.

T-doc told her she’d ALWAYS be a part of that person, and he would always be a part of her. Well, fu**! She doesn’t want it that way. She wants the residue eliminated ASAP!

Maybe she’s just a slow healer. It took her a long time to get over Narco 2, as well. She still loved him for a long time even after the breakup. She didn’t officially stop loving him until about 2010 some time, and they had broken up in 2007. Maybe three years is just how long it takes her. Today, she has no feelings for him whatsoever. Like zilch. One day she will be able to think of Narco 3 (I’m classifying him as a narcissist, lol) and have neutral emotions. Or better yet, maybe the bugger won’t pop up in her thoughts at all.

Recovery is very slow, but it would have been even slower if she had not done the NC. NC is the only way for some situations. There’s no easy way to do it; There’s no less excruciating way to do it. It just needs to be done. When you finally open your eyes—and you realize that you are headed nowhere—then you just have to do it.

She thinks she’ll be all better after the second year.

In a little over two weeks, she will reach that special milestone. One year of NC—woo-hoo—or not. It should be a time of celebration, but it’s not really. What would she be celebrating exactly? NOT being with a person she loved? Lol. NC is not something fun or party-riffic. It’s a last resort action that you take when you have to save yourself from emotional death.

Dating the Bipolar Woman: Part 2

The purpose of my last post was to express that having a relationship with a bipolar woman is difficult. I joked around a bit in it, but it’s not a joke. I have many awesome qualities that I would love to share with someone. I can be super-affectionate, kind, creative, funny, dedicated, etc. However, I will always have an underlying illness that needs management. Therefore, a man will have to know what he’s signing up for before he gets into a relationship with me. The male needs to be mature, loving and understanding.

I let men know about my illness right away so they can abandon me immediately instead of wasting my time and emotions. The situation requires a huge commitment, and it does me no good when a person “quits” on me after a few months or years.

A bipolar woman needs lots of attention and care. She will have to have her man’s full attention and dedication. She’s not some object for personal gratification. She’s not an evil spirited person, but she does have episodes. In other words, a male who signs up for the position will need to enlighten himself on the disorder. Once he does enlighten himself, he will need to care for the woman and not use the medical information for his personal gain.

Dating a bipolar woman is far from easy. I’m not saying we are a pleasure to date all the time. What I am saying is that we need special care. My experience with men has been very poor. Either they used me during my innocent and childlike phases (a.k.a. took all the hypomanic goodies and didn’t give anything back to the relationship), or they abused me because they felt they were superior to me. I don’t know if any truly good men are out there anymore. I think I met two during my lifetime. Only a special kind of man can be with a person with this disorder. Therefore, I have no idea what my fate is as far as relationships go. I just assume that I will spend the rest of my life alone.

I read my revision requests this morning. One person said that my article contained “boring text.” The other person sent a condescending request about a typographical error or some such. I let them both have it. “Boring” is subjective, and everyone makes mistakes. I can’t write “exciting” text unless I know what the person feels exciting text is. Every writer makes mistakes. I see written mistakes every day.

I found it particularly funny that the person who judged my article had at least two mistakes in his/her revision request. A condescending party should proofread his/her text before sending such a message. The person ASSumed that I wrote the article quickly, as well. That made me very angry. I struggled with the article for an hour, and I had a migraine headache. Writing does not come easily for me. As I said many times before, any work activity that requires the use of my brain hurts severely after a while.

Blogging is therapeutic for me. Blogging never feels like “work” because no one pressures me or judges me here. I have reached my limit on creating articles for other people, however. I am fried, and I can’t perform that way today.

No Chance to Rant/ SLURP Technique

Dang, I didn’t even get a chance to rant today. The CS people called me at 8 a.m. and said they made a gross error (obviously). I thought I would get a chance to rant later when I called the “toll ticket” people. I had my 90-second rant ready, but they admitted their error, too! Crap!

I don’t particularly like to rant, but it does relieve tension after I burn out my malfunctioning neck-top mechanisms (ENCEPHALOMELTO). I can’t write anymore today. I’m cranky as crap. Got two revision requests. Not even looking at them until tomorrow because I know I will blow a gasket. Lol, I can’t do much anymore. I used to be able to rock and roll for several straight days, but my “okay” time has gotten very short. I have to STOP when my head starts pounding, and I get angry. See where this would be a problem at a place of corporate employment? I used to just get up and go home whenever I overheated. That was not okay in the workplace.

I did write a little piece today that I thought was playfully informative. I wrote some tips for males who are dating bipolar women. Unfortunately, I’ve scared all the males away with my bipolarity and my abstinence pledge. This is for those folks who are still trying to work something out. A man can deal with a bipolar woman effectively if he learns to use the SLURP technique:

Support Her

Hug the bipolar woman when she feels as if her life is not worth living. Hug the bipolar woman when she flips the bird at you from across the room. Hug the bipolar woman when she is nervous about everything. She is hurting, and she needs your support. Hugs will work if you open your heart enough to try them. If your heart does not contain the element of compassion, then you will need to seek a relationship elsewhere.

Listen” to Her Rants

Her rants are legitimate even if they are long and venomous. Let the bipolar woman rant for about 30 minutes. Interject with a phrase such as “I know that’s right!” or “Hell yeah!” every five minutes so she will think you are on her side. Remember to mumble “Mmm-hmm” and nod at least once every 60 seconds.

Understand and Embrace Spontaneity

The bipolar woman is an individual with a brain that does not operate like yours does. Her brain randomly sparks different ideas. She may want to paint Picasso-like pictures on Monday; drive a NASCAR vehicle on Tuesday, and sleep all day on Wednesday. If you are not prepared to look at this in a positive fashion (i.e.“She’s awesome!”), then you will need to seek a relationship elsewhere.

Read Bipolar Disorder Materials

If you would not like to read medical information and pharmaceutical pamphlets so that you can help her with meds and symptoms management, then you will need to seek a relationship elsewhere.

Pologize When You Are Wrong

You are wrong during any altercations of any kind with a bipolar woman. You just need to ‘pologize. Not apologize, but ‘pologize. That is all.