How to Lose a Guy in One Day

I must now officially change host boy’s name to “Casper.” That boy became a ghost as of five minutes after reading “The Abstinence Speech.” I knew that he would first reply with something that sounded respectful, but I also knew that he wouldn’t be sending any more messages to my phone after yesterday.


Did it hurt my feelings? Honestly? Not one iota. You see, I would rather nip it in the bud immediately than piddle around with some guy who only wants what’s underneath my clothing. There is so much more to me than that. Unfortunately, the “men” that I dated throughout life were too ignorant to take a minute to get to know me. I’ve dated men for two to five years, and they never learned a thing about me because they were too focused on stupid stuff.

I’m not mad at host boy. He has every right to turn into Casper if what he wants from me is sex. He has every right to pursue a woman who will put out just for the hell of it, or just because he’s cute or whatever. It won’t be me.

I was flattered that such a young buck found me attractive, but I’m not looking for that kind of party. I can name at least 30 sports activities that I’d rather do instead of sex. I’m looking for someone who wants to get creative with me like that. Looks like I’m going to be my own partner for a while.

Are You Sure Your Feelings Aren’t Hurt?

Really, my feelings aren’t hurt. If had slept with him for four years—and then he left me and married another woman—like my one ex did—I’d be crushed. If I had slept with him for two years—and then he brushed me off when he no longer needed my “services”— like my other ex did—then I’d be crushed. No man can hurt me if I don’t give away the goodies. If he doesn’t want to get to know me because I’m not sharing the goodies, then he wasn’t for me anyway.

I guess I can thank my last ex for enlightening me on how guys think. We were arguing over his failure to commit to me one night. I forgot what I said to him, but his reply was, “Well then you shouldn’t have gave it up!” Hmmm, well thanks, asshole. I sooo wish that we could take sex back. You know, like a vag**a refund of sorts. I want a vag**a refund from this person immediately!!! LOL!

Unfortunately, once you “give it up,” you can’t take it back. That man has a special part of you that you can’t retrieve—and if he’s a jerk—he can choose to treat it like crap if he wants. Therefore, you have to be very careful of who you give it to. Conduct research, and if he’s married, just go ahead and punch him in the face.

Me, I won’t be giving anything to anybody unless he’s ready to put a ring on my finger. The mean words of my ex will probably be etched in my mind forever. They sucked, but I think they made me wiser in a way.

Anyway, if you are wondering if a new man or prospect is a dog, all you have to do is send Timiarah’s Abstinence Speech. He will disappear immediately if he was just looking for goodies. You can save yourself heartache in the future.

I am going to go enjoy a movie now. I can’t wait to go ice-skating again. I would go every day of the week if I had the money. I’m determined to train my brain to accept the backward skating. Ice-skating works so many muscles and burns so many calories. I don’t even need the machines that I use at the gym. However, backward skating works the glutes a lot. I would like to tone up my bum. Therefore, I will make it a goal to teach my brain to send messages to my legs to move backward. It’s going to be hard.

Can Abstinence Work?

I discussed my vow of abstinence with my therapist today. I was completely honest with her about what’s going on in my life. I told her about host boy. I told her one of his texts struck a nerve today, and I responded with my abstinence speech. She gave me some pointers on how to avoid putting myself in any stressful situations if we go out in the future. I doubt that’s going to occur, especially if he’s in his 20s like I think he is.

How Random People View Abstinence

People have different views about abstinence. Some people commend me for it. Some people believe that taking an oath of abstinence when I’ve obviously been active before is ludicrous. Other people believe that 99.9 percent of the male population will have nothing to do with me because of my choice to exclude physical relations from my life. Some folks think that this new lifestyle of mine is old-fashioned as feck. Other folks believe that adding abstinence to my mental illness and middle-ageness (Timictionary) will arse me right out of a meaningful relationship of any kind.

How Timiarah Views Abstinence

I don’t much care about the naysayers. My body is my restaurant, and I own it. I can remove booty from the menu if I so desire. Newsflash: Sex has never been important to me. Anyone who really knows me should know that. It’s a tool for emotional expression, and that is all.

I want more than anything to have a lifetime partner. Heck yeah, I want someone to laugh with, chat with, lie with, hang with, etc. Unfortunately, some men don’t respect women who make love to them before marriage. It’s plain and simple. They do not care whether a woman is doing it from her kind heart or from her heated caboodle. It’s all the same to them. They don’t know how to differentiate between a hoe and an affectionate person. Therefore, many affectionate people get hit with the wrong label because of ignorance. That doesn’t happen to abstinent people.

Some men don’t feel as though they should “buy the cow” if they are already getting the milk for free. I suppose I’m tired of giving away free dairy products for long periods and not having the farmer give me a stable home. Additionally, fornication should not occur.

If 300 men pass me by because of my abstinence…it’s fine. I’d rather be alone than feel like someone weaseled me out of something that was sacred to me again. If I live the rest of my life alone—it’s cool. However, I still have hope that a decent man will come along one day, and he won’t try to compromise my ideals and such.

The Abstinence Speech

I just gave host boy my abstinence speech. I figured it was best to give it to him right off the bat before we made plans to hang out or anything. I don’t want to mislead any man, and I know sometimes men are only looking for one thing. They are not going to find it here. Therefore, I let them know so they don’t end up feeling angry, used and so forth.

A schizophrenic man once took me out to dinner, and we developed a friendship. He got very pissed at me because he liked me in that “special” way, and I kept getting back together with my ex. I did tell him that I only wanted to be friends, but he still felt as though he spent money on me and blah blah.

He tried to convince me that my ex was only using me, which was true, but at the time, I loved who I loved. Turns out Mr. Schizophrenia was correct, but I didn’t figure it out fully until months down the line.

Anyway, the dude went batshyte crazy the third time I got back together with my ex. He came to my job and tried to destroy my reputation. He lied. Maybe he hallucinated about the extent of our relationship because he was angry. I’m not saying that to be demeaning toward schizophrenic people, but what came out of his mouth about our relationship was not what had gone on between us. I was physical with one man only during that time. When we broke up, I went out with other people, but I did not engage in physical relations.

I forgave D (internally) for the outburst he did at my job, but I never spoke to him again. I know that mental illness and anger are not a good mix, and they can get the best of us sometimes. That’s why staying medicated is necessary for all mental illnesses.

Host boy texted me this morning, and the conversation went well until one of his texts didn’t seem quite right. Text messages can sometimes be misconstrued. That’s why it’s always better to talk on the phone or in person. I sent the abstinence speech to him anyway. That way, he will know where I’m coming from, and I will see where he’s coming from. The abstinence speech went as follows:

“I just wanted to let you know that I have been abstinent for over a year. I plan to stay that way until I find the right person (one that I will marry). If it changes your desire to hang out with me, then I understand.”

Host boy said he didn’t care about that, but the true test will be if he speaks to me again after today, and if he still wants to do things with me. If not, it’s fine. I like to know these things before I invest any emotions, not afterward. I will never make that mistake again. No, sirs.

Back to Life

I suppose I fell asleep at about 11:30 p.m. or so. The birthday came and went fast as crap. I did have another Pina Colada, and I sat and talked with host boy for about five minutes. I then bolted quickly because of the air conditioning and the brain freeze. I don’t like being cold at all.

I still didn’t get an age out of host boy, but when I told him I had ridden the Go-Karts yesterday morning, his response was, “Why didn’t you call me!!!!?” Because I…just met you? I didn’t need company bad enough to hang with someone I had just met. I’d like to get to know him, but that will take some time.

I think he’s in his 20s if he’s a host. I’m hoping he’s close to 30 or such. He sounded like he was a lot of fun. He seemed to be interested in doing all of the activities that I mentioned I did on my birthday weekend…plus bowling.

I got a surprise “happy birthday” text from the narcissist. Narcissist #2. Sorry, I have to label my narcs because I think I’ve known three of them in my lifetime.

Why? And wow. After 12 years of knowing narco 2, I received an otiose happy birthday message . That must mean that he and his family members are still having fun reading my public bloggings. He never remembered or cared about my birthday in the last 12 years, so why would it pop up in his head now?

Oh, wait, he did spend my last milestone birthday with me. We were dating at the time. I remember he purchased me a watch and sang the song “Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down to me. It all seemed so sweet to me then. Back then, I believed he was my Superman. I enjoyed myself because I was in love with him, and he came out to be with me despite his nervousness and such. Unfortunately, our relationship was doomed from day one due to narcissism, control issues, and a smidge of racism.

Of course, I had my beeper issues in between all of that. He had his beeper issues, too, so I heard. But what really messed things up for us was the family interference and the verbal and emotional abuse. The odds were stacked against us from day one.

Narco 2 and certain members of his family took turns jabbing me in the soul over the years until I had nothing left. Now, they can’t hurt me anymore. Beeper or not, I’m no longer vulnerable to them in any way. Neither is my boy, as he has established a sense of honesty, compassion and empathy that no one will ever destroy.

I am emotionless when it comes to narco 2. I had to write about the message though, because I was looking at my screen like WTF after 10 years of not hearing anything about my birthday. I figured the narcs would get a kick out of being the stars of this post, too. ;-)

Today is back-to-life day. I must now concern myself with gathering bill fundages (T Dictionary term) and returning to my proper meds and therapy. Therapy is later today. Meds must restart today. I stayed un-medicated for a few days to enjoy the fruits of my mania. However, the crash started coming in this morning. Luckily, it wasn’t an abrupt crash all the way down to the bottom.

Day 3: Forever Young (The B-Day)

The rum and benzo combination didn’t hurt me emotionally. I had been manic for several days, so it only chilled me out. I went to sleep shortly after I posted last night, and I woke up fine. I was in a depression when I drank that beer back in November, so I guess that made a huge difference. I still do not want ever to drink beer or vodka again. I have a history of getting negative effects from those substances. I found myself on the floor wanting to die from vodka once, so I don’t do any vodka drinks. I am not an advocate of alcohol for bipolar people at all, but I am going to have another birthday Pina Colada with the house rum tonight. Only one.

Today was supposed to be a “high octane” day. The octane wasn’t as high as I would have liked, but I had a good time. My day started with Go-Karts, and it ended with a malfunctioning scooter. I was mad because I wanted a motorcycle. Those little 49-cc scooters they rent are only capable of going 60 MPH, and most of the time they don’t rig them to their full capacity. Therefore, the riders must putt-putt along at 30-40 MPH.

I was having a good time until I stopped at the Jacksonville Beach Elementary School and let the scooter idle for two seconds while I whipped my camera out. I was going to take some shots of the area, and then punch the scooter to its full capacity on a long strip of road. I was going to take a video of it while I steered with one hand. Unfortunately, my scooter died, and it would not come back on. Had to push it back to the shop. Wasn’t happy at all.

The owner did not charge me for scooter rental. I had fun for the 20 minutes I got to ride. The experience reminded me of how much I need to save money so I can buy myself another bike. Every year, I say I’m going to get one, and I don’t. It’s time. I’m going to start enjoying every single day of my life from here on in.

Mr. Applebee’s host did contact me, and we exchanged just a few texts day. He is working a double, and he asked if I would stop by. I will do that. I liked the way he approached me. He approached me in a respectful manner. In addition, he hit on me when I was wearing my tomboy clothes and skater shoes. I think that shows non-superficialness (yep, it’s in the Timiarah dictionary. Loon edition). Tonight, I will return in something a bit more girly. “The patient” is feeling flirty today. Not dirty…just flirty. I’m interested in finding out more about the fella. I just hope he isn’t too much younger than I am.

I like younger men because they can keep up with me when I’m manic as far as the fun activities. Younger men have their issues, however. Not knowing how to treat a lady is one of them. Not knowing how to date just one lady is another. Older men are sometimes more romantic, but I usually tire them out with all the stuff I want to do (skating, bowling, staying up until 2 a.m., etc.) Older men can be as bad as younger men are with the ladies, too. Some of them use their wisdom and experience to do evil to women. In other words, they know how to pour it on (the charm) thick.

We’ll see what’s going on. Age has not been discussed yet, and it’s too early to tell if this person is a dog or not.

In closing, I will say that I had an awesome birthday. If it ended right this second, I’d be content. I wish I had enough money to buy an iPhone 6 and a personal motorcycle, but it was good for a solo b-day with what I had.

I found this year’s birthday to be much better than last year’s face-down pity party birthday. The difference is that I didn’t give anyone else the power to control how my day went. I counted on unreliable people and fake friends to “make me happy” last year. This year, I was determined to make myself happy with or without a man or a friend—and I did.

How was this birthday in comparison to the pink-rose birthday of 2012? Probably better because it didn’t leave me wanting more (companionship/commitment) at the end of the day.

I will be doing many more things that are fun. Today does not mark the end of my life. It marks beginning of my life. I will be forever young no matter what number is on my birth certificate.

I have a few videos on my Facebook public profile of the Go-Karts. They aren’t long, and you have to be logged in to FB to view them I suppose. Um, I also put the first Midlife Crisis on for a one-day free download. I only had one day of promo time left. I’m not sure if that one is edited, but it’s free. I’ll probably fix ‘er up in the next 90 days and do a real promotion at that time.

Going to enjoy the rest of my night now. Peace and love.

Fifty Things I Do When I’m Manic

1. Write and perform a ton of songs

2. Shop for unnecessary jewelry/beauty products/ colorful clothing and shoes

3. Purchase unnecessary expensive electronic devices ($1,500 iMac, $300-$600 cell phones, etc.)

4. Sell devices when manic episode ends

5. Set up spontaneous bitcoin/litecoin mining machines

6. Jailbreak/root/alter cellular devices…just because I can

7. Smash cell phones

8. Collect broken cell phones and laptops to disassemble, examine, and fix before mood changes

9. Become a “Jedi Master” in my own mind

10. Try to convince everyone else that I am a Jedi Master (grandiosity at work)

11. Arrange the clothing in my closet by color shades

12. Arrange household items by shape and height

13. Wear earplugs because environmental sounds are so painful

14. Wander off my job (when I had one)

15. Stop eating/ forget to eat

16. Become a health nut/ gym freak

17. Quit being a health nut/gym freak and eat a greasy calzone or 1,000-calorie burger

18. Start a business and then quit/close the business

19. Stew and bark about things from the past

20. Bark about things from the present

21. Bark just to bark

22. Yell at random fast-food establishment employees and managers. Told Wendy’s to go F*** themselves one time because I waited in line for 20 minutes for a sweet tea. Gave them the finger, as well. I don’t have that kind of patience.

23. Start smoking cigarettes again, and then stop when manic episode ends

24. Jump in the car in the middle of the night and drive. Ended up in Florida during such an episode.

25. Over-abuse pleasuring devices. Some have broken.

26. Doodle all day or create actual visual art

27. Stay up all night doing something “important” or nothing at all

28. Make colorful smoothies or some type of artistic four-course meal (hate cooking otherwise)

29. Rearrange every crevice of the house

30. Bleach every crevice of the house

31. Destroy the house just to clean and rearrange the house

32. Buy telescopes and try to take pictures of the moon with telescopes and cell phone combo

33. Go on picture snapping missions all over the place

34. Buy an assortment of wigs or do something drastic like cutting all my hair off

35. Create the same financial budget that I’ve already created a million times just so I can play with “numbers”

36. Perform some other kind of repetitious mathematical calculation

37. Create pretty PowerPoint presentations

38. Write random books

39. Listen to lots and lots of music

40. Watch an ass-load of YouTube videos

41. Disassemble electronic devices, automobiles, etc. for various reasons. Reassembly may or may not occur.

42. Jump on some wild project like setting up a PlayStation 2 emulator for no apparent reason

43. Infiltrate random cell phone shops and perform speed tests on their devices

44. Research the crap out of some random psychology subject or some random actor/musician

45. Apply for jobs that I didn’t want

46. Quit jobs I did want and didn’t want

47. Sign up for school

48. Excel in school, and then randomly quit school

49. Talk on the phone for 2-12 hours

50. Converse with eccentric people as if we’re old friends

Let’s Talk About Sex and Cars

The patient became so side tracked by her naughty Monte Carlo that she forgot to talk about her therapy session yesterday. It went well. She trusts her therapist a little bit more every time she visits her. The therapist advised her to schedule her services once a week, and she did it because she knows she needs it, and because she likes it. Therapy is a crucial part of bipolar disorder and OCD management. It can help with past wounds, as well.

The patient spoke of her exes quite a bit, but that was probably because her little nasty husband was fresh in her mind, lol. She discussed her thoughts on infidelity, patching up marriages after infidelity and so forth. She told her therapist that Mr. C proposed that the two of them try to “work this thing out.” She told her therapist that her response was “Wtf?” After 4.5 years of REAL separation and at least two alternative relationships that he told her of? With his exes? The same exes that were a huge part of the problem in their marriage? Naw, bro! Lol. Besides, infidelity was the reason they split. She doesn’t do do-overs for such things.

Been there done that with male-whore husband number one. She truly wants a divorce. Clearly, he does not want one for whatever reason (she doesn’t care what the motive is), so she gathers that she will have to do the paperwork. She’s glad she got to speak to him in depth because she is now 100 percent sure of what she really wants. She still cares for him as a long-term member of her past and a former best friend, but the wife is out, lol.

The patient told her therapist about her recent manic symptoms, and she described how she liked to “chat up a storm” when she is manic. She admitted that she would talk to anyone when she’s manic except for people on the “No Contact” list. The therapist then asked her about one of the symptoms that many textbooks display about manic bipolar people: sexual promiscuity/ hypersexuality. The therapist is not bipolar, and she doesn’t claim to know everything about bipolar people. She does have a little baby copy of the DSM-5 in her office (that the patient wanted to keep), however. She has other bipolar patients, but she does not claim to be an expert on the disorder.

The patient answered her question as honestly as possible. She told her that while she was sure that sexual promiscuity was a part of some bipolar people’s manic habits, it is just not something that she ever got into. She is human, and she does have the normal human urges. She gets hypersexual, as well. The thing is that if she does not have an active relationship with someone, then she will not act on her hypersexual feelings…with a person ;-). Alternative pleasuring methods do exist. One does not have to sleep with strangers when there are so many interesting mechanical devices available.

Now, if she does have an active long-term relationship going on, then the male will reap the benefits of her highly artistic hypersexual manic symptoms. Real talk. She only has physical relations with people she loves. She has always been like that, and she’s not likely to change. She’s been abstinent for at least 10 months. It has really been longer, but she wouldn’t know how long unless she spent a significant amount of time reading her own diary.

Post-note: The patient does not have any sex whatsoever during depressive episodes whether she is with someone or not. No devices—no winky—no nothing. Therefore, she isn’t a stranger to long periods of abstinence. She’s not depressed now in the least. She’s just practicing it because men suck, lol.

The patient is guilty of only talking to people a lot. Hell yeah, she will BURN UP a cell phone during a manic phase. It is nothing for her to talk for six hours or 12 hours on the phone while manic, lol. Yeah, she flirts with males a lot more during mania and hypomania. She has even gone out with folks during those periods in the past to have “fun.” However, the fun mostly involved things like bowling, pool, eating meals, etc.

She doesn’t do sex on first dates or non-dates. She doesn’t kiss on first dates or non-dates. She doesn’t just jump in bed with folks she doesn’t know. She doesn’t bring random strays home either, lol. She does understand that such symptoms are very real symptoms for some people with her condition. It’s just not one of her particular symptoms. Neither is drug abuse or criminal activities, not at this age anyway. She was “a little mischievous” when she was a bipolar teenager, but certainly not now. Drugs have no hold on her whatsoever. She likes opiates for their euphoric/balancing effects, but not beyond the normal amount. She doesn’t abuse benzos. She doesn’t even mess with “sage” anymore even though she used to think it helped her condition.

She feels as though she enlightened her therapist with a detailed snapshot of her newest bipolar patient. She thinks she got her point across about the generalizations that occur in textbooks, as well.

By the way, the problem with the Monte Carlo was the coil pack for # 2 and 5. She put the new one in and fired it up just now. The car is now running like a champ. She will still change the coil pack for # 1 and 4 since it has obviously never been replaced (still has GM labeling on it). She will probably replace her spark plugs and wires this weekend. She doesn’t quite feel like doing it today. The tinkering mood has left her. Yesterday’s finger blisters and acrobatics probably contributed to such.