You’re All Beautiful

I see that many people are “coming out” about their beeperism (and other illnesses) through the blogging platform. I read many blogs written by such people. I wish I could sit here and read hundreds of blogs, but I can’t. I’d end up following everyone and then not being able to keep up because of the length of time it would take to read everyone. I will start scheduling time for it, however.

I’m glad that other beepers are being courageous and telling their stories. They may be writing for therapeutic purposes, but they are also educating every single person who views their blogs. They are killing mental illness stigma and ignorance with each intelligent word or true personal depiction of their illness that they type. I try to leave comments on similar blogs to encourage a continuation of their blogging.

I chose to stop hiding my diagnoses some time last year. Suffering in silence my whole life caused me to have more depressive episodes than I needed to have. Being ashamed of something that I couldn’t control was killing me. Feeling inferior about it gave me low self-esteem. Low self-esteem left me vulnerable to the Association of Narcissism and Soul Slicing (AN ASS). See what I did there?

Eventually, I just stopped caring what other people thought, and I realized that doing that empowered me a little bit.

I figured I’d just “come out” and introduce myself properly. Helllooooo! This is who I am. If you don’t like me because of such…oh well. I am not going to die without the approval and acceptance of other people. I wasn’t always “okay” with myself like I am now though. I did not want to accept my diagnosis at first. Bi-what? Me? No, sir. Hell no! As I said, I even skipped BP when I was trying to diagnose myself. I was willing to take many many other diagnoses, but I wouldn’t take that one because the media had jacked it up so bad that I wanted nothing to do with it.

But, yes! That was me all along. That is me now. That will be me until the day I die. Whatever. I’m still an awesome chick in many aspects. I hope every last beeper and other “eccentric” person out there believes the same thing about himself or herself because it’s true. You’re beautiful.

I am going to go to sleep now. Took my assortment of beddy-byes. As I said, I’ve been battling mania lately, but sometimes it’s not such a horrible battle. It brings things out of me that are quite useful. I would have never fixed my car if I wasn’t in the “right mood” to do such. I changed the other coil pack today with finger blisters and all. Now it sounds even better than it did this morning. I’m not touching the spark plugs and such for several days, however. I think my blisters actually got bigger. I was going to take a picture of them, but they’re gross. I will not pop them because that’s gross, too. I need time to heal.

Anyway, if you’re stopping by learn about bipolar symptoms, you can start here or here. They’re all over the place on my humble page. You can check some of the blogs on my links page, too. I will update it tomorrow. If you’re just visiting because you already know the deal…then hellooooo!

Good night, and thank you to everyone who reads this. I’ll be around more often. To those who are currently dealing with depression, I am so sorry. It makes me feel so bad when I read that someone is “there.” It will get better.

Fifty Things I Do When I’m Manic

1. Write and perform a ton of songs

2. Shop for unnecessary jewelry/beauty products/ colorful clothing and shoes

3. Purchase unnecessary expensive electronic devices ($1,500 iMac, $300-$600 cell phones, etc.)

4. Sell devices when manic episode ends

5. Set up spontaneous bitcoin/litecoin mining machines

6. Jailbreak/root/alter cellular devices…just because I can

7. Smash cell phones

8. Collect broken cell phones and laptops to disassemble, examine, and fix before mood changes

9. Become a “Jedi Master” in my own mind

10. Try to convince everyone else that I am a Jedi Master (grandiosity at work)

11. Arrange the clothing in my closet by color shades

12. Arrange household items by shape and height

13. Wear earplugs because environmental sounds are so painful

14. Wander off my job (when I had one)

15. Stop eating/ forget to eat

16. Become a health nut/ gym freak

17. Quit being a health nut/gym freak and eat a greasy calzone or 1,000-calorie burger

18. Start a business and then quit/close the business

19. Stew and bark about things from the past

20. Bark about things from the present

21. Bark just to bark

22. Yell at random fast-food establishment employees and managers. Told Wendy’s to go F*** themselves one time because I waited in line for 20 minutes for a sweet tea. Gave them the finger, as well. I don’t have that kind of patience.

23. Start smoking cigarettes again, and then stop when manic episode ends

24. Jump in the car in the middle of the night and drive. Ended up in Florida during such an episode.

25. Over-abuse pleasuring devices. Some have broken.

26. Doodle all day or create actual visual art

27. Stay up all night doing something “important” or nothing at all

28. Make colorful smoothies or some type of artistic four-course meal (hate cooking otherwise)

29. Rearrange every crevice of the house

30. Bleach every crevice of the house

31. Destroy the house just to clean and rearrange the house

32. Buy telescopes and try to take pictures of the moon with telescopes and cell phone combo

33. Go on picture snapping missions all over the place

34. Buy an assortment of wigs or do something drastic like cutting all my hair off

35. Create the same financial budget that I’ve already created a million times just so I can play with “numbers”

36. Perform some other kind of repetitious mathematical calculation

37. Create pretty PowerPoint presentations

38. Write random books

39. Listen to lots and lots of music

40. Watch an ass-load of YouTube videos

41. Disassemble electronic devices, automobiles, etc. for various reasons. Reassembly may or may not occur.

42. Jump on some wild project like setting up a PlayStation 2 emulator for no apparent reason

43. Infiltrate random cell phone shops and perform speed tests on their devices

44. Research the crap out of some random psychology subject or some random actor/musician

45. Apply for jobs that I didn’t want

46. Quit jobs I did want and didn’t want

47. Sign up for school

48. Excel in school, and then randomly quit school

49. Talk on the phone for 2-12 hours

50. Converse with eccentric people as if we’re old friends

Let’s Talk About Sex and Cars

The patient became so side tracked by her naughty Monte Carlo that she forgot to talk about her therapy session yesterday. It went well. She trusts her therapist a little bit more every time she visits her. The therapist advised her to schedule her services once a week, and she did it because she knows she needs it, and because she likes it. Therapy is a crucial part of bipolar disorder and OCD management. It can help with past wounds, as well.

The patient spoke of her exes quite a bit, but that was probably because her little nasty husband was fresh in her mind, lol. She discussed her thoughts on infidelity, patching up marriages after infidelity and so forth. She told her therapist that Mr. C proposed that the two of them try to “work this thing out.” She told her therapist that her response was “Wtf?” After 4.5 years of REAL separation and at least two alternative relationships that he told her of? With his exes? The same exes that were a huge part of the problem in their marriage? Naw, bro! Lol. Besides, infidelity was the reason they split. She doesn’t do do-overs for such things.

Been there done that with male-whore husband number one. She truly wants a divorce. Clearly, he does not want one for whatever reason (she doesn’t care what the motive is), so she gathers that she will have to do the paperwork. She’s glad she got to speak to him in depth because she is now 100 percent sure of what she really wants. She still cares for him as a long-term member of her past and a former best friend, but the wife is out, lol.

The patient told her therapist about her recent manic symptoms, and she described how she liked to “chat up a storm” when she is manic. She admitted that she would talk to anyone when she’s manic except for people on the “No Contact” list. The therapist then asked her about one of the symptoms that many textbooks display about manic bipolar people: sexual promiscuity/ hypersexuality. The therapist is not bipolar, and she doesn’t claim to know everything about bipolar people. She does have a little baby copy of the DSM-5 in her office (that the patient wanted to keep), however. She has other bipolar patients, but she does not claim to be an expert on the disorder.

The patient answered her question as honestly as possible. She told her that while she was sure that sexual promiscuity was a part of some bipolar people’s manic habits, it is just not something that she ever got into. She is human, and she does have the normal human urges. She gets hypersexual, as well. The thing is that if she does not have an active relationship with someone, then she will not act on her hypersexual feelings…with a person ;-). Alternative pleasuring methods do exist. One does not have to sleep with strangers when there are so many interesting mechanical devices available.

Now, if she does have an active long-term relationship going on, then the male will reap the benefits of her highly artistic hypersexual manic symptoms. Real talk. She only has physical relations with people she loves. She has always been like that, and she’s not likely to change. She’s been abstinent for at least 10 months. It has really been longer, but she wouldn’t know how long unless she spent a significant amount of time reading her own diary.

Post-note: The patient does not have any sex whatsoever during depressive episodes whether she is with someone or not. No devices—no winky—no nothing. Therefore, she isn’t a stranger to long periods of abstinence. She’s not depressed now in the least. She’s just practicing it because men suck, lol.

The patient is guilty of only talking to people a lot. Hell yeah, she will BURN UP a cell phone during a manic phase. It is nothing for her to talk for six hours or 12 hours on the phone while manic, lol. Yeah, she flirts with males a lot more during mania and hypomania. She has even gone out with folks during those periods in the past to have “fun.” However, the fun mostly involved things like bowling, pool, eating meals, etc.

She doesn’t do sex on first dates or non-dates. She doesn’t kiss on first dates or non-dates. She doesn’t just jump in bed with folks she doesn’t know. She doesn’t bring random strays home either, lol. She does understand that such symptoms are very real symptoms for some people with her condition. It’s just not one of her particular symptoms. Neither is drug abuse or criminal activities, not at this age anyway. She was “a little mischievous” when she was a bipolar teenager, but certainly not now. Drugs have no hold on her whatsoever. She likes opiates for their euphoric/balancing effects, but not beyond the normal amount. She doesn’t abuse benzos. She doesn’t even mess with “sage” anymore even though she used to think it helped her condition.

She feels as though she enlightened her therapist with a detailed snapshot of her newest bipolar patient. She thinks she got her point across about the generalizations that occur in textbooks, as well.

By the way, the problem with the Monte Carlo was the coil pack for # 2 and 5. She put the new one in and fired it up just now. The car is now running like a champ. She will still change the coil pack for # 1 and 4 since it has obviously never been replaced (still has GM labeling on it). She will probably replace her spark plugs and wires this weekend. She doesn’t quite feel like doing it today. The tinkering mood has left her. Yesterday’s finger blisters and acrobatics probably contributed to such.

She-Mechanic Update

So I tried to go out there at 3 p.m. and change the coil pack for # 2 and 5. I blistered two of my fingers and my thumb because the spark plug wires were on there so tight. It was hot as crap outside too, so I immediately became irritable and profane. Then, I found out that I needed a smaller ratchet because whatever tool I was using was too long and big for me to get to the bolt in the back of the coil pack. I had to put those god-awful spark plug thingers back on, turn my hazard lights on, and shimmy and putt-putt all the way to the auto parts store for a different ratchet. I was so pissed.

I finally came back and got everything set up, and then nature decided to bring dark, cloudy winds. I did get the old coil pack off for 2 and 5. I didn’t get a chance to put the new one on because it started looking like it was going to rain.

One never knows how many men are in the neighborhood until she goes outside and starts working on her own car, lol. Folks kept walking up to me and asking me “What’s wrong with your car?” and “Need some help?” LOL! “Nope. Need a new coil pack…I think.”

I was done with the worst part by the time they showed up anyway. The screw in the front was easy to undo. The one in the back was pure hell. I had to disconnect an annoying hose, climb under the hood, stick my ass out, twist my arm all up, and do acrobatics to get to it. That’s why it took me so long to do that alternator the one time. It LOOKS easy, but bolt and screw placements can make you want to just set the vehicle on fire. God forbid if something is rusty, stripped or sticky.

I guess I will have to get up early in the a.m. to put the new coil pack on. Then I will fire it up and see if it makes a difference. If not, then I will change the one for 1 and 4. If that doesn’t work…plugs and such. If that doesn’t work, then I’d have to consider some other things like the fuel system or such. I highly doubt it though because I keep my car maintained pretty well. I am pretty sure that this is an ignition misfire.

I’m pretty sure I said “This is some bullshit” while I was unscrewing the rear of the device.

Gotta go get the oil off myself now. My blisters hurt too, lol.

I’m a Mechanic This Week

Well the Monte Carlo has been acting an ass over the past few days. I noticed the light and the difference in performance immediately, but I had other things on my mind such as figuring out how to tell a little nasty male creature to beat it without using profanity.

I made it to my therapy appointment today, but the car problem progressed from “just a little crappy” to “runs like ass” to “barley runs at all” rather quickly. Horrible horrible misfire. It felt like one of the coil packs had gone bad. The one for # 6 and 3 had gone bad last year, so I figured I’d try changing the other ones and maybe all the sparks plugs and wires, as well. I don’t have fancy machinery. I do whatever “seems” appropriate, lol.

I’m not stressed about this at all even though I live in the woods, and there are no buses anywhere even remotely close to where I’m at. I also don’t have a job, and I don’t have any specialist appointments for another seven days. I have plenty of food in my house at this current juncture. My son’s school is a bit of a hike, but I figured I could just walk and get some of that exercise my therapist was talking about earlier. I’ll put on some old-school Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory!!!!!) and get to steppin’. As long as it doesn’t rain, I guess we will both be okay.

I can’t tinker with no damn car in this heat. I remember the last time I did auto repairs in the summer heat. Camaro—alternator—lots of cussing. I did just fine, and it worked, but I sweat so bad, and I was furious at one of the bolts.

I hate being too hot. Therefore, I will have to wait until 6 p.m. before I can even attempt anything with this vehicle. I don’t have much money, so I can’t afford to take it to a professional rape shop. Almost all male mechanics lie to women and beat them out of the little money they have. A lesbian mechanic even tried to beat me once, lol.

I like tinkering with stuff anyway, so it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even matter if I can’t get it running right by next week. Taxi. See how medications assist bipolar people with stress?

I do love my American cars. They are easy to work on. I will update eventually with a success story or a page full of profanities.