I guess I should never say that I’m not going to post for a few days because I never know. I met my new therapist, Mrs. G. I stayed the entire hour and then some. She had a student with her, and I told her it was okay for the student to stay. When I was done, she suggested that we meet once a week if I felt comfortable with her, and we’d work on some strategies until we can find some that would require me to have less frequent visits, lol.
She’s older than me by at least 10 years, and she’s a real confident and knowledgeable woman. She’s so anti-textbook, like me, ha-ha. Love it.
Right now I feel like crap. I’ve been crying because therapy brought things forward that I may not have necessary felt like dealing with.
I mostly talked about my period of life in between early 2012 and November of 2013. That period of my life took the floor today. I can think of most of all the bad things that happened to me throughout life, and I can tell those stories without flinching. I can talk about all of my exes except Mr. 2012-2013 without shedding a tear. I still cry over that. Those issues are not yet resolved, and I’m not sure that they ever will be. I guess that’s part of the reason I turned to writing books. I can have whatever or whomever I want in my books. I can do whatever I feel like doing. I can have whatever strengths I want to make myself have. I can fly if I feel like flying. In real life though, I’m just a mortal person who has to quietly deal with lost love, shattered dreams, and a whole lot of pain. I thought I had met my soul mate, and it was really just a crock of shit.
Mrs. G asked me if I got anything positive out of the relationship. Well, sure I did. I got to feel love, I got to experience friendship, and I got to feel pampered sometimes. But, at the end of the day, every day, I got to feel alone, abandoned and unfulfilled the way I wanted to be fulfilled. Some days, I regret ever crossing paths with that person, and I just wonder why I had to. “Why show me a dream and then take it away?” says the crybaby to God. What was the purpose of all that? It is NOT better to have loved and lost. I think it’s better to have NOT loved or met at all.
I have not been able to move forward with anyone else since then. Heh, Mr. Prospect still sends me unanswered text messages wondering what he did to deserve the lack of responses from me. Well, first, I didn’t like him. He was a sarcastic and controlling know-it-all narco. I picked up on that very quickly. Secondly, I don’t even think he could have taken Mr. 2012-2013’s place in my heart even if he had been a good person. But he wasn’t, so he needed to bugger off.
Anyway, Mrs. G advised me to: visit the gym more frequently for the serotonin factor, take vitamin D supplements along with my iron supplements, stay close to God, take my medication every day, and don’t smoke “sage.” Honestly, that won’t be a problem. I haven’t messed with “sage” in about two months. I wish they would make it an acceptable bipolar medication, but until then, I won’t mess with it. I have to take drug tests when I see my specialists anyway, and she said if they ever found “sage” in my blood or urine, then they would discontinue my benzos. I actually need my benzos when I go too far into mania.
I liked Mrs. G because she specialized in bipolar disorder. I can’t mess with people who know nothing about the illness. She had a laugh when I was telling her how I became top salesperson/employee of the month at company M (and held the titles for months) with NO prior sales experience. “Manic people can move maintains sometimes,” she said.
It was an emotional time, as I still have many unresolved feelings about my last relationship and my last corporate job. I’m half relieved and half pissed off right now. I hate to cry.
I will use my new book series as a therapeutic mechanism. They aren’t doing that great, but they are listed in the occult section in most countries. I wouldn’t expect occult subjects to do as well as self-help stuff. I know most Christians won’t touch them, even if they are fictional, and there a lot of us in the world.
It did make it to #6 in Japan and like #10 in Germany in its category. Highest it went in the US was #11 in the category. UK ranking was around #86. I’m falling fast though because I’m not promoting it. It’s not about rank, although the OCD part of me cares about that sort of thing. It’s about me being “free” for a few hours in my painful life to do whatever my heart truly desires.