They Blew Me Away/ Shoulder-Tap Whispers

I started writing this on Saturday night because of my compulsion to write ritualistically. I still give in to my meaningful compulsions, but I ignore any bad ones. I put my foot in my mouth when I said I wasn’t going to blog on Saturday. I didn’t want to be a liar. Therefore, I did not blog on Saturday. Today was (technically) supposed to be a silent day too, but I can never remain silent for long.

Church was excellent today as it always is. The minister explained why we should forgive people who wrong us. He explained the difference between what forgiveness is and what forgiveness isn’t. I understand, and I believe I have forgiven those who have wronged me. However, I also agree that all acts of forgiveness should not necessarily end in reconciliation. We should always seek to reconcile the relationships with the offending parties since God gives us the opportunity to reconcile with him. However, doing such is not always the best option for various reasons.

On that note, I’m going to change subjects. I don’t try to preach, and I don’t quote Bible Scriptures. Why? Simply because I feel that I need to know the entire book like the back of my hand before I quote anything to anyone. I read it every day, but I’m not done. I will need to read it in its entirety several times before I will feel comfortable trying to teach from it.

I finally listened to the Christian rock band, Skillet. I had heard about them a long time ago, but I never got around to listening. I am a huge rock fan. In the past, I listened to bands such as Three Doors Down, Nickelback, Puddle of Mudd, Nirvana, Fuel, Linkin Park, Metallica, Guns N Roses, AC/DC, Def Leppard (lol), Led Zeppelin, etc. My list is extensive, and it includes soft rock, hard rock, rap rock, metal, classic rock and stuff from every era. I will not write a list because it would take up the entire home page. I like all music, but rock is my favorite genre. It has been since I was very young, and yes, I have received many strange stares and shoulder-tap whispers from people throughout the course of my life.

“Um—do you realize that—you’re black?”

Yep, I REALLY love rock music. I was curious about Skillet because I heard they were a Christian rock band. I liked their sound, so I added them to my collection. They rock the good stuff. I found Thousand Foot Krutch right after I found Skillet, and I have to say that they blew me away. I loved their sound so much that I purchased “OXYGEN: INHALE,” which is their most recent album. Wow, what a pleasant mixture of sounds.

They have some songs like “Untraveled Road” that have a Linkin Park-ish (rap-rock) sound. Then they have songs like “Born This Way” that have sort of a Southern rock or classic rock kick. Hah, but then if you flip to “Glow,” “Oxygen,” or “Light Up,” you get that beautiful soft rock sound. The best part is that I can hear the faith lyrics. Every song is awesome. I even wrote a Google Play review and gave the album five stars. It’s hard for me to choose a “best” song. I guess “Untraveled Road” and “Glow” might be my favorites.

Some folks complained about their sound having less kick in this album than it had in other albums. I’m a first time listener, however. I do enjoy the punchy stuff, but I love the soft stuff just as much. I will be enjoying this album more today.

I did some medical coding yesterday. I got through the neoplasm guidelines and the diabetes guidelines. I took another coding test. Amazingly, I scored highly on that one, too. It seems as if I score higher when the coding scenarios increase in complexity.

???

I want to get this done and take the test. I’m trying to push myself so that I can get done by early February. I still have to learn ICD-10. I don’t mind, but I can’t help but be skeptical about actually getting a job as a coder. I’ve read so many horror stories about certified coders not getting jobs because they didn’t already have several years of coding experience. Huh?

Sometimes I think that I might have been better off taking a pharmacy tech program. I think I would be just as happy (and quite knowledgeable) doing that, and it would be much easier to get a job. I won’t be crushed if I don’t get a job as a coder. It was not meant to be if I don’t. I could still say I learned something; I had a good time, and I gained another useless credential. :-) Enjoy your Sunday.

My Story and My Intentions

In no way, shape or form am I trying to convert anyone. In no way am I trying to throw Christianity in anyone’s face. I am not telling anyone how he or she should live or in what he or she should believe. I do not think I am better than anyone else is, and I do not judge anyone. I’ve never been judgmental, and I’m not going to start being judgmental now. I am just trying to live my life by the standards that I believe were set for me to live by. Sure, I would be extremely happy if one of my readers decided to turn to Christ, but I am not pushing anyone to do it.

I believe that religious sects that try to force their beliefs on other people are wrong. Therefore, I do not do such. However, I am a child of God. I will speak of The Father and The Son quite often in my blogs because my life revolves around God. I will talk about how the Holy Spirit changed me because I think it’s a glorious affair. I’m still Timiarah, but there are some things that I will not do anymore because of my faith. That doesn’t mean that I personally condemn you for doing them, lol. I love you all the same as I did when I started this blog nine months ago or so. I appreciate each one of you who takes the time to read my endless varied ramblings and stories.

The reason that I post so much about Christianity is because I am truly happy that I reconnected with Christ. I say reconnected because I have always believed in him, but as you all know, I got caught up in some things that were NOT godly. They were wrong even though my intentions were “good” and “from my heart.” The key word here is MY. I followed MY heart and MY desires instead of following what the Scriptures told me to follow. I listened to Satan when he told me it was “okay” to do this or that because of MY feelings and MY desires.

I was a very lost person before I accepted Christ and asked him into my heart. I was so desperate for someone to love me and fulfill me. I used to beat my head against the wall in horrible relationships. I used to dedicate my life to these men who didn’t give a hoot whether I lived or died. I used to place my self-worth on whether or not so-and-so loved me and wanted to be with me. I was never truly happy. I was always unfulfilled. People were always mishandling me and then abandoning me. I was always seeking something, and that something was true love.

It took me a long time to realize that my creator already loved me—beyond human comprehension. I get it now. That is why I no longer need physical pleasures and such. I can wait until I meet a man who wants to marry me, and then we can have all the godly physical relations we want. I am fulfilled, and I am content. I know how much The Father loves me. My relationship with Christ has completed me. No, I do not have “scientific proof” that God exists or Jesus exists. All I have is the Bible, my experiences, and the 13 years of journals that I have written that show how my life changed for the better once I put my trust in Christ.

I just want you all to know that I’m not trying to sway you, convince you, convert you or any such a thing. My writings are just going to be a little different because I will be writing about my growth and such. I’ll still write about bipolar and OCD because my illnesses are still with me. I will still write about electronics, medical coding, movies, relationships, so forth and so on. But yah, Christianity is a huge part of me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to anyone who is not a Christian. You can always comment on my posts. You can always email me. You can always feel free to voice your opinions. I’m always right here, and I will always answer every single question and comment.

This will be it for me until Monday. I promised I would do some blog READING and commenting tomorrow. You know what the deal is for Sunday already…

“Tameka” Got Googled

Well, I just got back from church. Being in God’s house always has a way of fixing everything. The Wednesday service is casual. I think I may have been the only person wearing business casual attire, lol. Oops. The “Tameka” joke is from my pastor. He knows my name now, but he still jokes about Tameka every now and again.

I was upset with myself for saying a bad word today, but Jesus forgave me, and I forgave myself. Dealing with bipolar is rough because sometimes those words fly out during agitated periods before I get a chance to think about them. The time between the beginning of an agitation and the release of an F-bomb is usually fractions of a second. Therefore, my brain doesn’t have enough time to stop and say, “I have to replace this word with fudge because I am a Christian.”

I can say that I absolutely DO NOT curse at any other time. I used to curse like a little female sailor—all day long—just because the release felt good. It only happens in the heat of the moment now, but I still have to ask for assistance with controlling it. The self-control will come with maturity and guidance.

I was calm until I went to the second pharmacy, and they acted as if I had doctored the prescription up on my home computer or something, ha-ha! The way they were acting was unreal. At any rate, I got my prescription, so it’s water under the bridge now.

Things that I have completely stopped doing: smoking tobacco cigs, self-fidgeting and dating. I have come a long way over the past year and since my baptism, as well.

Things that I have started doing: reading the Bible every day, forgiving people who have wronged me, having long talks with God every day, and performing random acts of kindness that I cannot disclose.

Deer-in-headlights moment: When the church elder disclosed that he Googled me and found my baptism on YouTube. Doh! At first, I was nervous about the other information he may have found on the Internet about me. After all, I am all over the Internet: my songs, my books, my articles and my blog. I was a little nervous about them learning about the “old me.” But, then I thought, “Meh, I shouldn’t keep anything from my church anyway.”

I have nothing to hide. Actually, I wasn’t a bad person. I was misguided, but I wasn’t evil-spirited. I sinned, but so have we all. Besides, I’m not that girl anymore. My faith is strong, and my desire to do God’s will is strong. Of course the church elders want to know who I am. That’s okay with me because I don’t plan on going anywhere. In fact, the church is part of the reason that I want to stick around this area now. It’s my home.

Well, I have a lot of work to make up from earlier today. I have to figure out my schedule for tomorrow, too. I now have 50 pages of medical coding to do tomorrow, and I have a P-doc meeting in the afternoon. Those are always 2-4 hour events. I will do my blog reading over the weekend on Saturday because I plan to take Saturday off. No coding. No writing. Just reading and joining conversations.

Blog or Diary?

My blog is starting to read like a diary, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why my stats are drowning. Ha. It’s a good thing I don’t care about such things anymore. I do use my blog in that way sometimes. I still write my most intimate details in my private diary, but I share a lot on my blog, too. I don’t have many “private” and unspeakable things going on anymore, so I end up here most of the time. I’m writing for the anti-bully site again tonight. They have a mental health sector. Again, it doesn’t pay much, but I have extensive experience in the topics.

I probably wasted my time with the long job application today. I get confused sometimes about what I want to do. Having a disability is difficult. I don’t want corporations to discriminate against me, but I haven’t really shown them that I can work without episodes, either. Disability is a catch-22 situation. You’re bleeped if you do and bleeped if you don’t. The government makes it hard as crap for a disabled person to get his or her benefits. Meanwhile, corporations try as hard as they can to avoid hiring a disabled person. Hmm, and I’m supposed to pay my bills how???? No one cares, and that’s part of the problem in this country. I don’t know how other countries operate. I can only comment on mine.

Discrimination doesn’t just happen to people with mental illnesses. I saw it happen to a man in a wheelchair once. I’ve seen many unfair things on my journeys with different employers. My intention is NOT to cause any organization harm. I’m not here to name names or sue folks. If I intended to do such, I would have done it a long time ago. The system is set up so terribly that it’s almost impossible for a single disabled person to survive. That’s all I’m saying.

I sincerely would like to be able to work on a part-time basis one day doing something in the medical field. I know that I can’t handle full-time work, but I could probably swing something that had limited hours and split days, lol. I apply for jobs at my leisure, and I don’t sweat them. Someone will call one day when I least expect it. If they don’t, then I guess God intends for me to lay back on my beanbag chair and write when I can. It would be nice to get out sometimes during the day and do something meaningful. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to do volunteer work. Okay, back to scribing. Just…one…more…

The No Contact Rule FAQs, Facts and Q&A

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is a process in which one party completely disassociates from the other party immediately following the breakup of a romantic relationship. The disassociation includes termination of all forms of communication. The parties will not exchange phone calls, emails, text messages, instant messages, video messages, written letters, sign language, smoke signals, telepathic messages, dove messages, raven messages, or messages in a bottle.

What Is No Contact Lite?

No Contact Lite is a form of NC that a person uses if he or she shares a child with the other party. The person will have minimal communication with the other parent, and the content of the conversation will include only visitation plans, appointment times, and other information regarding the child.

Why Do People Do the No Contact Rule?

People implement the No Contact Rule for one of three reasons: to get their ex back, to force a specific relationship change, or to heal and rebuild their lives. Reasons one and two almost always result in an epic fail.

Does the No Contact Rule Work?

That would depend on the user’s motive and his or her definition of the term “work.” See previous answer for the effectiveness of different strategies.

Who Are You?

I am a psychology graduate who has personal experience with narcissists, codependents, people with various addictions, and people with various mental illnesses. I am also an abuse survivor and a former codependent who suffers from bipolar disorder and secondary OCD.

How Long Have You Been Doing NC? Why?

I have done NC for 353 days and 17 hours, 11 months and 19 days, or 30,560,400 seconds. Take your pick. Why? Hmm, well, because I was on a romantic journey to nowhere. I was working as a stunt double/placeholder/fill-in. I was giving and not receiving. My dreams weren’t being fulfilled, etc. and yadda yadda.

How Long Should I Do the No Contact Rule?

The word indefinitely comes to mind first, but if you just want to do it for self-healing, then three to six months should suffice.

When Should I Start the No Contact Rule?

When you feel like you can no longer breathe because of the pain that the relationship is causing you. When you have more bad times than you have good times. When your good times are so short that they don’t even matter anymore. When you realize that the last X amount of years of your life were pointless. When you feel like you want to die because you’ve been used and discarded so harshly. In other words, whenever you’ve had enough. You’ll know when that is.

How Should I Start the No Contact Rule?

You can do it using the Gangsta Style or the Graceful Sweetheart Style. Gangsta style means you don’t tell the other person anything. You just do it, and you like it. The Graceful Sweetheart Style is a compassionate method for a person who still gives a damn whether the NCed party will suffer.

Is the No Contact Rule Cruel?

Yes, it is.

Does the No Contact Rule Hurt?

Yes, it does. If you have a strong bond with the person, then NC will feel as if you ripped your own heart out of your chest, and set it on fire, and forced yourself to watch it burn. The flames will burn for months.

What Items Can Help Me With the NC Rule?

E-mail block lists and call/text blocking software will become your best friends during NC. Yahoo has the best email-blocking program because it sends the messages to oblivion. Oblivion! Not your trash folder—and not your spam folder. You will never see any messages from any party that you have on your block list. Dead2Me is my personal favorite Android app for blocking calls and texts. It’s a no-nonsense program that you can read more about here.

You may also want to read some self-help books although many of them will try to teach you how to “get your ex back.” I do not teach that here. You can read blogs and articles, and you can join NC groups. Many groups and pages exist on the Internet. Additionally, you will want to surround yourself with friends who will act as surrogates/supporters/motivators when you get the urge to contact or answer your ex.

Will I Get My Ex Back?

No, but what you will get is a person who loses respect for you every time you fail NC. You don’t want that kind of person in your life because he or she will just beg you back long enough to use you and abuse you again.

Should I Contact My Ex Again?

What on earth for? Of course you shouldn’t. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It just means that you need to think about why you’re doing it first. You could end up with an extremely embarrassing experience on your hands if your ex: has someone else, doesn’t want to speak to you, or doesn’t even remember who the plug you are. Then you’ve placed yourself right back into the “bent over” position to receive more pain or abuse. I say no thanks to that. Maybe you should, too.

What Do I Say After the No Contact Rule?

If you are the person who initiated NC, then the first communication will be difficult (if you must do it). You can probably say anything you want because the other party will think you are crazy no matter what you say.

If you are the person who has been NCed, then you can probably start with an apology. There must be a reason for which you have been NCed. “How have you been?” “I was thinking about you and…” “Sorry things ended the way they did…” Any of those phrases may open dialogue—and I emphasize the word may.

There is no guarantee that the NC initiator will want to talk to you, and you need to ask yourself why you want a response from this person anyway. If you’re ego tripping—just stop it. If you have some positive output—meh. Maybe. Just understand that there is a high chance that you will receive a rejection/no reply, especially if the NC initiator went through hell to disassociate from you.