Calmness Before the Calmness

Today has been a day of calmness, focus, peace and cleaning. I woke up with a plan to do some things, and I did them quite calmly. So far, I’ve taken two half-hour breaks. I am getting ready to take my third break, but I think it should be an hour long. I will go to bed very early this evening so I don’t oversleep. My med combo tends to knock me out for nine or ten hours, and I don’t hear any alarms of any kind. I want to go to church prepared and not have to scramble around for extra sets of clothing and such.

Neither my father nor my oldest son (poor thing) answered my messages about the Baptism. Therefore, they will not be there to see the event. I take it that they cannot involve themselves with a Baptism that is not of the Jehovah’s Witness denomination. It’s unlike my son to ignore me, but then again, my dad (narc) has influenced him for many years. I just wonder how people can call themselves Christians and not be happy for a family member who accepts Christ.

The registration cards for yesterday’s church festival had a special spot on the back of them for prayer requests. I asked them to pray for my son’s health and happiness, and I asked them to pray for the elimination of my past pains. Today I don’t feel any pains. I don’t know if the pain cessation occurred because of prayer, medication, or a natural whiney-time expiry date, but I am grateful.

I finished Leviticus last night. Tonight I’m going to skip around and read verses that pertain to Baptism. I read some of Romans already last night. Chapter 6 to be exact. My friend gave me a list of some additional materials I can read before I go in tomorrow.

Hmm, other than that, I think I am ready to eat. I shall cook this evening. I also started Midlife Crisis: Volume 4. I hope it’s okay that I continue to write a vampire series. Technically, they are “good” vampires. Well, most of them are anyway. I don’t really believe in vamps or worship them or anything. They’re just fantasy creatures to me, and their powers are fun to play with.

I was thinking that maybe I should invite my handful of fans to the blog and dedicate one day a week to continuing the stories…on the blog. There’s no money (for me) in selling vampire fantasy lit on Amazon.com anyway since I don’t have the funds for professional editing or marketing/promotion. I don’t think I’d have a problem getting free reads though, lol. Just ask the repeat buyer/refund guy and the free promotion downloaders.

Doing such just may bring more readers which would be cool. It’s not about money anyway. It’s about doing what I love to do. I could use a separate page for MC stuff and then add posts within that page. I dunno. I would have to think about it from an architectural web design aspect, and I do not feel like doing so right now. My website still needs a lot of work, lol. I have to be in the right mood to tinker with such things. All I know is that I wrote the first six pages of V4 last night.

Bye-bye till tomorrow.

Never Listen to a Bipolar…

when she tells you that she intends to either do something or not do something for/in X amount of days. She means well at the time, but there will most likely be a change in plans. I am still going through my purification process, and I’m not going to be on here long, but I wanted to say that my medicine combo has been working well. Sure, I still get sad about some things, but it’s a normal intermittent sadness, and it never lasts all day or anything. I just hate that it does still happen. I really don’t like that at all.

I have been strictly on Klonopin and Seroquel. The Klonopin slows me down so that I don’t feel antsy when I write and rush through things. It has helped me very much this week for a few projects. As you know, the Seroquel does assist with depression prevention. I don’t need a third element. Yes, I still teeter down to the depressive side sometimes, but I do not have major depressive episodes that require hospitalization or hours on the floor wishing for death anymore. I don’t cry all day anymore, and I believe it’s because of the meds.

I took the baby to the festival at our church today. He had a great time until it was time to go. I rode a pony, but I could not get my son to ride even the tiniest pony, lol. They had ponies that were almost as small as dogs, and he still said no, ha-ha!

I saw the minister there, and he asked me if I still intended to have the Baptism on Sunday. Um….yah! Why would I not? I would like to cleanse myself. I would like to feel forgiven. I would like some more of that good Holy Spirit. I would like…salvation. This is not something I am going to flake on. This is something that I’m quite committed to. Like if my car broke down on Sunday morning, I’d freaking walk to church, lol. I wouldn’t miss a date with Jesus for the world ;-)

A weird thing has been happening with my little book series. Some person has been buying the books and then requesting a refund the same day. I have no idea if the person is just a cheapskate who wants to read for free, or if the person paid (temporarily) just to leave a mean comment. I would say that maybe the book was just so horrible that the person didn’t think it was worth $.99, but then why proceed to the next volume? Lol. Ah, the weird things that humans do. It’s not a big deal since I only earn $.35 per book sale. Go ahead and have your quarter and dime back then.

I will never read the reviews. I don’t care. I’m just going to keep writing until I grow tired of the series. I want to get V4 done soon, so I might dedicate only one hour to it tonight. Wrapping up the first “scene” in Volume 4 is extremely important. I must do it ASAP. I’m excited to start it because I want to see if my character has the guts to carry out what she’s supposed to carry out as the leader.

Btw, the full Klonopin pill that I had last night knocked me out right at Leviticus 25 something or other. OMG, one minute I was into it, and the next minute it was 9 a.m., and my computer was in my lap.

I only have two more chapters to read. I will read them tonight while I burn my Sacred Heart of Jesus candle. Yes, I certainly did buy one. I intend to pray underneath of it, as well.

The No Contact Rule FAQs, Facts and Q&A

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule is a process in which one party completely disassociates from the other party immediately following the breakup of a romantic relationship. The disassociation includes termination of all forms of communication. The parties will not exchange phone calls, emails, text messages, instant messages, video messages, written letters, sign language, smoke signals, telepathic messages, dove messages, raven messages, or messages in a bottle.

What Is No Contact Lite?

No Contact Lite is a form of NC that a person uses if he or she shares a child with the other party. The person will have minimal communication with the other parent, and the content of the conversation will include only visitation plans, appointment times, and other information regarding the child.

Why Do People Do the No Contact Rule?

People implement the No Contact Rule for one of three reasons: to get their ex back, to force a specific relationship change, or to heal and rebuild their lives. Reasons one and two almost always result in an epic fail.

Does the No Contact Rule Work?

That would depend on the user’s motive and his or her definition of the term “work.” See previous answer for the effectiveness of different strategies.

Who Are You?

I am a psychology graduate who has personal experience with narcissists, codependents, people with various addictions, and people with various mental illnesses. I am also an abuse survivor and a former codependent who suffers from bipolar disorder and secondary OCD.

How Long Have You Been Doing NC? Why?

I have done NC for 353 days and 17 hours, 11 months and 19 days, or 30,560,400 seconds. Take your pick. Why? Hmm, well, because I was on a romantic journey to nowhere. I was working as a stunt double/placeholder/fill-in. I was giving and not receiving. My dreams weren’t being fulfilled, etc. and yadda yadda.

How Long Should I Do the No Contact Rule?

The word indefinitely comes to mind first, but if you just want to do it for self-healing, then three to six months should suffice.

When Should I Start the No Contact Rule?

When you feel like you can no longer breathe because of the pain that the relationship is causing you. When you have more bad times than you have good times. When your good times are so short that they don’t even matter anymore. When you realize that the last X amount of years of your life were pointless. When you feel like you want to die because you’ve been used and discarded so harshly. In other words, whenever you’ve had enough. You’ll know when that is.

How Should I Start the No Contact Rule?

You can do it using the Gangsta Style or the Graceful Sweetheart Style. Gangsta style means you don’t tell the other person anything. You just do it, and you like it. The Graceful Sweetheart Style is a compassionate method for a person who still gives a damn whether the NCed party will suffer.

Is the No Contact Rule Cruel?

Yes, it is.

Does the No Contact Rule Hurt?

Yes, it does. If you have a strong bond with the person, then NC will feel as if you ripped your own heart out of your chest, and set it on fire, and forced yourself to watch it burn. The flames will burn for months.

What Items Can Help Me With the NC Rule?

E-mail block lists and call/text blocking software will become your best friends during NC. Yahoo has the best email-blocking program because it sends the messages to oblivion. Oblivion! Not your trash folder—and not your spam folder. You will never see any messages from any party that you have on your block list. Dead2Me is my personal favorite Android app for blocking calls and texts. It’s a no-nonsense program that you can read more about here.

You may also want to read some self-help books although many of them will try to teach you how to “get your ex back.” I do not teach that here. You can read blogs and articles, and you can join NC groups. Many groups and pages exist on the Internet. Additionally, you will want to surround yourself with friends who will act as surrogates/supporters/motivators when you get the urge to contact or answer your ex.

Will I Get My Ex Back?

No, but what you will get is a person who loses respect for you every time you fail NC. You don’t want that kind of person in your life because he or she will just beg you back long enough to use you and abuse you again.

Should I Contact My Ex Again?

What on earth for? Of course you shouldn’t. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It just means that you need to think about why you’re doing it first. You could end up with an extremely embarrassing experience on your hands if your ex: has someone else, doesn’t want to speak to you, or doesn’t even remember who the plug you are. Then you’ve placed yourself right back into the “bent over” position to receive more pain or abuse. I say no thanks to that. Maybe you should, too.

What Do I Say After the No Contact Rule?

If you are the person who initiated NC, then the first communication will be difficult (if you must do it). You can probably say anything you want because the other party will think you are crazy no matter what you say.

If you are the person who has been NCed, then you can probably start with an apology. There must be a reason for which you have been NCed. “How have you been?” “I was thinking about you and…” “Sorry things ended the way they did…” Any of those phrases may open dialogue—and I emphasize the word may.

There is no guarantee that the NC initiator will want to talk to you, and you need to ask yourself why you want a response from this person anyway. If you’re ego tripping—just stop it. If you have some positive output—meh. Maybe. Just understand that there is a high chance that you will receive a rejection/no reply, especially if the NC initiator went through hell to disassociate from you.

Baptism Is Sunday (Full Immersion)

I showed up at church at exactly 9 a.m. to speak with the minister. We didn’t talk very long because I didn’t need to know much of anything. I know how a church operates; I know how their church operates; I’m feeling’ it. Anyway, he just wanted to ensure that I know what the purpose of a baptism is and that it has NOTHING to do with joining the church. Some churches tell you that you have to get baptized into their church to be a member, but that’s not what it’s all about there. I know. I’m already a member. They have a separate mini-ceremony at the end of worship for people who want to be members.

He explained to me that they did the full immersion method, as well. They don’t believe in the sprinkling method. Okay, that’s what I assumed they would do. We did talk about the Bible a bit, as I told him I had been reading the Bible from “the beginning.” He said that he and his wife are also Old Testament fans (yay). He was surprised I didn’t fall asleep on Leviticus due to the repetition though, lol. He said that Numbers would be a hard read because, “It’s just numbers. They count the people. That’s why it’s called numbers.” I laughed inside my head because I’ll probably be the only looney to LIKE reading Numbers.

Anyway, he did advise me to read John and then go back to whatever Old Testament books I want to read. He also gave me a CHRONOLOGICAL printout so that I can read the Bible in chronological order if I want to. Yes!!!! Tameka (he called me Tameka once) loves when things are in order!!!

I arranged the Baptism for Sunday because it’s a big thing that I feel should be witnessed by many people. I want my son to see so that he understands that it isn’t a scary or harmful process. He has water issues sometimes, and he freaks out. Just washing his hair is difficult. He will bathe in the bathtub, but he flips whenever I try to get him to put his head back so I can wash his hair. He fears drowning I think, but I have no idea why. I want him to be baptized, but not until he understands what he is doing, and he’s no longer scared of immersion. I think I will have him ready when he’s seven or so.

I doubt if my dad or oldest son will come because they probably can’t. I invited them anyway. I’m very excited and ready to cleanse myself/get even closer to Jesus. I have already turned from my sins. I have already ready changed, but I need to do the public testimony and the ritual that is in the Scriptures.

Now, let’s talk about my mood. I’m okay today. I just have to watch myself at all times. Anything can become an obsession for me: physical items, people, jobs, rituals, etc. Even a good thing like reading the Bible can turn into an engulfing obsession. My brain is just hard-wired in such a manner. I’ve been extremely careful ever since I learned through studying myself that it takes me three instances to establish a routine/obsession. I always pull back if I find myself so “excited” about something that I repeat it three times. I usually stop for a day or two and then “mix it up” with some other activity. I do not want to establish any routines that are hard to break.

True confessions of an OCD sufferer: It hurts like HELL to break a long-term routine. Separating from my last relationship and my last job kicked my butt so bad that I don’t ever want to attach to anything again. I’m extremely careful with myself. Managing OCD and BP is very difficult, especially when they play off each other a lot.

One of my doctors keeps giving me SSRIs because he wants to prevent me from having a severe depressive episode. The other doctor keeps giving me SSRIs because they can sometimes minimize OCD symptoms. Both of them are ignoring crucial information: THEY MAKE ME MANIC IMMEDIATELY! They don’t work. Why don’t they trying something else???

I will rest on the Bible reading today and do something else. I may go see a movie later if it’s still five bucks. I think I will go with the Dracula movie. I wanted to see “Addicted” because I found the male mistress attractive, lol. However, watching a movie with such content would probably aggravate me and make me get mad again about things that should be buried. Dracula it is.

Dating the Bipolar Woman: Part 2

The purpose of my last post was to express that having a relationship with a bipolar woman is difficult. I joked around a bit in it, but it’s not a joke. I have many awesome qualities that I would love to share with someone. I can be super-affectionate, kind, creative, funny, dedicated, etc. However, I will always have an underlying illness that needs management. Therefore, a man will have to know what he’s signing up for before he gets into a relationship with me. The male needs to be mature, loving and understanding.

I let men know about my illness right away so they can abandon me immediately instead of wasting my time and emotions. The situation requires a huge commitment, and it does me no good when a person “quits” on me after a few months or years.

A bipolar woman needs lots of attention and care. She will have to have her man’s full attention and dedication. She’s not some object for personal gratification. She’s not an evil spirited person, but she does have episodes. In other words, a male who signs up for the position will need to enlighten himself on the disorder. Once he does enlighten himself, he will need to care for the woman and not use the medical information for his personal gain.

Dating a bipolar woman is far from easy. I’m not saying we are a pleasure to date all the time. What I am saying is that we need special care. My experience with men has been very poor. Either they used me during my innocent and childlike phases (a.k.a. took all the hypomanic goodies and didn’t give anything back to the relationship), or they abused me because they felt they were superior to me. I don’t know if any truly good men are out there anymore. I think I met two during my lifetime. Only a special kind of man can be with a person with this disorder. Therefore, I have no idea what my fate is as far as relationships go. I just assume that I will spend the rest of my life alone.

I read my revision requests this morning. One person said that my article contained “boring text.” The other person sent a condescending request about a typographical error or some such. I let them both have it. “Boring” is subjective, and everyone makes mistakes. I can’t write “exciting” text unless I know what the person feels exciting text is. Every writer makes mistakes. I see written mistakes every day.

I found it particularly funny that the person who judged my article had at least two mistakes in his/her revision request. A condescending party should proofread his/her text before sending such a message. The person ASSumed that I wrote the article quickly, as well. That made me very angry. I struggled with the article for an hour, and I had a migraine headache. Writing does not come easily for me. As I said many times before, any work activity that requires the use of my brain hurts severely after a while.

Blogging is therapeutic for me. Blogging never feels like “work” because no one pressures me or judges me here. I have reached my limit on creating articles for other people, however. I am fried, and I can’t perform that way today.

No Chance to Rant/ SLURP Technique

Dang, I didn’t even get a chance to rant today. The CS people called me at 8 a.m. and said they made a gross error (obviously). I thought I would get a chance to rant later when I called the “toll ticket” people. I had my 90-second rant ready, but they admitted their error, too! Crap!

I don’t particularly like to rant, but it does relieve tension after I burn out my malfunctioning neck-top mechanisms (ENCEPHALOMELTO). I can’t write anymore today. I’m cranky as crap. Got two revision requests. Not even looking at them until tomorrow because I know I will blow a gasket. Lol, I can’t do much anymore. I used to be able to rock and roll for several straight days, but my “okay” time has gotten very short. I have to STOP when my head starts pounding, and I get angry. See where this would be a problem at a place of corporate employment? I used to just get up and go home whenever I overheated. That was not okay in the workplace.

I did write a little piece today that I thought was playfully informative. I wrote some tips for males who are dating bipolar women. Unfortunately, I’ve scared all the males away with my bipolarity and my abstinence pledge. This is for those folks who are still trying to work something out. A man can deal with a bipolar woman effectively if he learns to use the SLURP technique:

Support Her

Hug the bipolar woman when she feels as if her life is not worth living. Hug the bipolar woman when she flips the bird at you from across the room. Hug the bipolar woman when she is nervous about everything. She is hurting, and she needs your support. Hugs will work if you open your heart enough to try them. If your heart does not contain the element of compassion, then you will need to seek a relationship elsewhere.

Listen” to Her Rants

Her rants are legitimate even if they are long and venomous. Let the bipolar woman rant for about 30 minutes. Interject with a phrase such as “I know that’s right!” or “Hell yeah!” every five minutes so she will think you are on her side. Remember to mumble “Mmm-hmm” and nod at least once every 60 seconds.

Understand and Embrace Spontaneity

The bipolar woman is an individual with a brain that does not operate like yours does. Her brain randomly sparks different ideas. She may want to paint Picasso-like pictures on Monday; drive a NASCAR vehicle on Tuesday, and sleep all day on Wednesday. If you are not prepared to look at this in a positive fashion (i.e.“She’s awesome!”), then you will need to seek a relationship elsewhere.

Read Bipolar Disorder Materials

If you would not like to read medical information and pharmaceutical pamphlets so that you can help her with meds and symptoms management, then you will need to seek a relationship elsewhere.

Pologize When You Are Wrong

You are wrong during any altercations of any kind with a bipolar woman. You just need to ‘pologize. Not apologize, but ‘pologize. That is all.