Her Brain on Caffeine

This will be the patient’s last post this evening. Meds time. Time for unbearable lethargy again. Items such as caffeine make her feel on top of the world very quickly. That little bit of Red Bull brought her up to hypomania within several minutes (yes really), and she was able to get up out of bed, take her son to the park, laugh with him, etc. It was pleasant hypomania, which is a mood that she wishes she could feel forever. The good hypomania feels as if she is on a drug, but she isn’t. It’s quite blissful.

She called her mom excited and laughing. Yeah, she was able to do a few things today, but she knows she can’t stay this way. She must get the “downer” medicine in her system on time tonight because the next stage is the anxious and angry spinning hell that she hates.

She was sociable for a while today, too. She stopped by the corner store, and she was talking to some guy who swears he is “Mr. It” at the Applebee’s karaoke. So of course, the patient had to tell him that she might have to stop by next karaoke night and take his crown. Yeah right. Tonight she felt like singing. Tomorrow night…probably not so much. She won’t be going anywhere on this wack meds.

She actually was singing a tune by Whitney Houston when she got home from the store: “Saving All My Love for You.” It wasn’t the first song she was singing this evening. It was just the one she happened to land on. She definitely knows she’s in hypo because that’s when “the artist” wants to take over. She only sings when she is hypo or full blown.

She apologizes for sort of bashing “normal” people earlier. Maybe she’s jealous because she doesn’t function like them. Maybe she just gets irritated because half of them don’t understand, and half of them fear her. I think the fear bothers her the most because she’s not about hurting anyone. She just barks a lot. She’ll cry in a minute as soon as someone hurts her feelings, though, lol.

She wishes the world a good night. She wishes her hypo a good night, as well. By the way, she hates benzos. Not a chance of an addiction as they suck. They did the trick for her the other day, but they left a nasty nasty groggy feeling. She’ll have those emergency benzos on her for quite some time. Yeck.

God, she would love to keep singing and feeling good, but she won’t.

Jolting out of the Hole (Maybe)

The patient had to drink an eighth of a Red Bull just to be able to sit up on her bed. It was necessary. She was unable to write anything productive for a while, and she has still not written anything productive today. She can feel her happy wires connecting a bit. She’s waiting to see if she can function on any kind of even keel, or if she will start yelling at anything moving.

Mr. Prospect has tried to stay in her life, but he is really pissing her off because he doesn’t understand. He’s famous for quotes such as, “You can be whatever you make your mind up to be” in response to her extreme lethargy. Well hell, the patient didn’t realize that it was so easy. She wants to be a famous musician, and she would love to hit the lottery. Feck, she should just close her eyes and concentrate, and it will all come to her then? Maybe she can click her heels like Dorothy, too.

He is a normie nonbeliever. You know…one of those people who thinks that beepers CHOOSE to be depressed or manic or whatever. Oh yeah, this is definitely the kind of life that the patient wanted. Doesn’t everyone? After all, emotional turmoil is very hot.

Ug, this is why she has spent most of her life in relationships with people who were “not okay.” They may have been off kilter, and their diagnoses may have been completely different from hers, but at least they understood. Some of them have even been sympathetic. Her last love was very sympathetic to her illnesses although he was a selfish D-bag for using her. He was just about the only human being who could calm her down or make her feel slightly better at times.

Anyways, the first text that Mr. Prospect sent on Sunday was, “Did you make it to church?” What? He didn’t even ask her if she was feeling any better. The patient was just in the hospital on Friday, and she felt like crap from then to the present. She would have gone if she had woke up in time, but it did not work that way. She truly apologizes to God if he was offended, but it is not Mr. Prospect’s job to check on her church attendance. She will appear in church when she feels better. If he was that concerned, then perhaps he should have picked her up and transported her there.

His texts irritate her sometimes. She doesn’t see a purpose in trying to develop anything with a normie. A normie will need lots of compassion, education and understanding to deal with a beeper. How can anything (friendship or relationship) work if he doesn’t even believe in what’s going on?

It took her mother a long time to understand, too. She’s was never ill, so she didn’t get it. Her father has always understood, as he has always had some degree of depression. Her mother came around, and she is now very helpful concerning her illnesses. Too bad she’s so far away.

The smidge of Red Bull did wake up her mind, but she can’t drink anymore because it will make her totally aggravated. Alertness is good. She can sit up now. She couldn’t even sit up before. She’ll see what happens for the rest of the day.

First Morning Flood of Thoughts

The patient was “ready for bed” at 8 p.m. It took her about 2.5 hours to fall asleep after meds. She woke up early. Her body is awake. Her mind…not so much. Groggy. She is having trouble putting good thoughts together. Yesterday was extremely unproductive, as she was unable to do anything other than changing the location of where she was resting (in bed, on the hood of her car, on the floor). Sometimes, medication that fixes mania brings on lethargy and depression. That’s the trouble with the continuous balancing act of the unbalanced brain. She does not want to go to D-land.

Caffeine or no caffeine? Caffeine works sometimes for waking the top part of her body up, but it can also cause an unpleasant aggressive glitch. Drinking it is always a craps shoot. Speaking of craps, she took a course to learn how to deal craps back in about 2000. She aced the course with 98 percent, and she obtained certificates to deal craps and blackjack. However, she never stepped foot into a casino for an audition because she was too afraid of being watched (anxiety). Instead, she took a job at a casino as a banker. It was less “out in the open,” as she had a force field around her. She worked for a bit while she was manic and enjoying staying up all night (11 p.m. to 7 a.m.). When the mania wore off (hello depression), she no longer had the will to go in anymore. She also met the narcissist during that time. He was a co-worker. Poor decisions, destructive behaviors, chaotic lifestyle, and several FMLAs in between.

Her first thought this morning is the humiliating experience of going through mania and depression at company M. She can’t control her thought processes, so she’s just writing them down now and trying to keep some sort of journal.

She was manic during most of her employment at company M, with a few periods of slight depression and maybe a couple of “okay” days. During mania, she was highly productive, extremely grandiose, obsessed with numbers, delusional, highly destructive, hypersexual with the one man that she was seeing (faithful manic), and highly irritable. She could sell her butt off (top salesperson in fact), but she was so irritable that her co-workers and bosses were afraid of her. She’s not sure if the customers were in fact afraid, but as far as the bosses and co-workers were concerned…they were.

It was humiliating for her to repeatedly try so hard to get a promotion just to take care of her family. She was shot down every time because everyone else could see that she was not acting normally. Was it truly discrimination, or was the company just trying to protect its business? Would she have made a good manic supervisor? Lol. She was not okay on part-time, and she was even worse on full-time.

She eventually went on FMLA because the depression set in abruptly immediately following another rejection, and yes, her co-workers contributed, either knowingly or unknowingly. She never knows when the big switch is going to come. The depression felt like death. All functionality ceased.
She tried to come back, but she was still in bad shape. She had bounced back up into hypo, so she “thought” she was okay. Anything feels better than depression. Nope. Gone within two weeks. She tried to work another job right away (as a supervisor), but she melted down within two weeks. There was one more job after that, but she melted down within two weeks.

That’s just one example of someone who desired to work and succeed but couldn’t. She is smart and charming enough to “obtain” a job, but she can never “sustain” a job.

She has been up for an hour now, and she still cannot think in a productive fashion. Yeah, she can write in this blog right now, but is this gainful employment? If so, then please send her a check for jotting down stories from her troubled existence. Lol, “professional troubled existence scriber.”

She only took one sip of coffee. She will try another, but not much more than that. Enjoy the reads. She thinks she is going to lie back down.

Willing vs. Able

“Being willing to work or ready to work does not mean that you are able to work. Being able to work does not mean that you can work 40 hours consistently on a sustained basis…”

The patient watched a few minutes of a presentation that a disability attorney was giving…and she does mean a few minutes. The video was 41 minutes long. The patient could not pay attention for even a fraction of that time. Ten percent…maybe. She thought the video was cool because it sounded as if the disability attorney actually “got it.” She was referring to people who were suffering with multiple sclerosis (SSA gives them a hard time, too), but the same goes for people with bipolar and a number of other illnesses. They might be willing to work….they might want to work…they might think they are “doing the right thing” by trying to work. Hell, they may even have some awesome freaking talents, as well. But when push comes to shove…some of them CANNOT do it. The patient was glad to see that some people in the legal field actually understand, and they will fight for such people.

She is feeling calm for the moment but unable to really do anything worthwhile. She only had the capacity to make some phone calls to schedule some doctors’ appointments, and just finding someone to accept her “insurance” was stressful. That’s about it for today. Yesterday, she could hardly move and breathe because of the medication. Seems like it’s going to be another early night with not much productivity.

True Blood Season 7: E6: Beel’s Sick

Eric and Pam get caught by Yakuza. Yakuza silvers them and sets a sunlight bomb. Time until dawn: seven minutes.

Bill calls a lawyer to create a will since he is Hep-V positive.

James gives Lettie Mae some blood so she can communicate with Tara.

Violet “makes nice” with Jason.

Eric and Pam make a deal with Yakuza to kill Sarah Newlin. Eric will do the deed. He’s delighted.

Jess calls Jason for help. Violet gets angry.

Andy catches Adilyn and Wade getting freaky.

Nicole tells Sam she is going back home with their baby. She calls Sam “the Mayor of crazy.”

Bill’s Hep-V spreads with a quickness.

Sookie gets tested for Hep-V. Yep. Positive.

Lala and Lettie Mae see Tara in a V-vision.

Reverend makes Lettie Mae choose between him and the V.

Bill’s condition exacerbates.

Bill performs an awesome neck stab on a greedy lawyer.

Violet snags Adilyn and Wade.

Sarah Newlin claims that she is the Hep-V antidote. Of course. Just in time to save “Beel” most likely.