Sick Thanks to Small Germy Humans

Wanna hear something funny? Last night’s long speech about my newly developed thick skin was completely unnecessary (but still true). I went back to read the contents of my two-star review, and it wasn’t even mine. That’s what I get for peeking at my page and looking for numbers (OCD). I will eventually receive a low review, but that wasn’t it. Someone else’s poor soul got dissed this time.

I started writing Volume 2 last night, but I’m sick today. I may have killed off a character already, but I don’t remember. I don’t read the shyte; I just write it.

Since I never have any visitors, and I bleach everything in my household, I am very sensitive to outside germs. I have a ton of allergies and respiratory issues. Germs are what I hate most about the school year. The little one has brought home a nasty visitor that I imagine he “borrowed” from one of his germy classmates. I am in bed today. I am sneezing my head off and trying to supplement myself with Vitamin C (which makes me break out in hives), tea and liquids to prevent the cold-induced asthma or bronchitis from developing.

This sucks, but at least I don’t have to call out from anywhere. Good night.

The Stolen Monte Carlo

Today, I went out briefly to purchase some things that I needed like Vitamin D3 supplements (therapist’s orders). I bought some bananas, spinach, fruits and various veggies so I could make myself some healthy smoothies since my appetite has not been great. Bought some vitamin and mineral mix and vanilla extract to add to my smoothies. My regular gym program will start next week.

I really went out today to buy my son another red 2005 Chevrolet Monte Carlo. He was so excited when we found one in the store a few weeks ago. He yelled, “That’s a mommy car! I want that mommy car!” His car collection is very dear to him, and the Monte Carlo was his favorite car because it’s the same as mommy’s car. He snuck it to school one day. I didn’t know he took it with him. His beeotch teacher took it from him, and she refuses to give it back. I thought that was uncalled for and just mean not to give my son his car back even after class. She won’t give it back to me either, so apparently she has some issues.

She took one of my son’s favorite toys, and I am upset that he is upset about it. That hurts my heart. Therefore, I am going to be speaking with the principal come Tuesday about my son’s Monte Carlo and his teacher’s conduct. I understand that they aren’t supposed to take toys to school, but it’s a new school for him, he’s six years old, and he didn’t know any better. He just wanted his “mommy car” with him. His teacher says he is intelligent, and he is an excellent drawer (which he is), but he does not have an “off” switch for talking. Umm…very true, but what the shit does that have to do with his Monte Carlo?

I pray that I’m not feeling irritably manic when I visit the school on Tuesday. The Monte was the last one the store had, so I couldn’t just get him another one. I will be searching on eBay for a bigger model, however. I might buy myself a Camaro SS, as well. Maybe we’ll find some remote control ones for mother-son time.

Well, I have a few hours before I get sleepy, so I’m going to go play with my vampires for a while. I’m ready to get into Volume 2 so they can start training and doing actual missions. Volume 2 will be better because I’ll take my time (30 days) and develop everyone further. It doesn’t really matter what happens with this mini-book series. I will continue it because I like it. That’s all I have for tonight. I think I have about two hours of being medicated before I pass out.

The Patient Moves Mountains With T-Doc

I guess I should never say that I’m not going to post for a few days because I never know. I met my new therapist, Mrs. G. I stayed the entire hour and then some. She had a student with her, and I told her it was okay for the student to stay. When I was done, she suggested that we meet once a week if I felt comfortable with her, and we’d work on some strategies until we can find some that would require me to have less frequent visits, lol.

She’s older than me by at least 10 years, and she’s a real confident and knowledgeable woman. She’s so anti-textbook, like me, ha-ha. Love it.

Right now I feel like crap. I’ve been crying because therapy brought things forward that I may not have necessary felt like dealing with.

I mostly talked about my period of life in between early 2012 and November of 2013. That period of my life took the floor today. I can think of most of all the bad things that happened to me throughout life, and I can tell those stories without flinching. I can talk about all of my exes except Mr. 2012-2013 without shedding a tear. I still cry over that. Those issues are not yet resolved, and I’m not sure that they ever will be. I guess that’s part of the reason I turned to writing books. I can have whatever or whomever I want in my books. I can do whatever I feel like doing. I can have whatever strengths I want to make myself have. I can fly if I feel like flying. In real life though, I’m just a mortal person who has to quietly deal with lost love, shattered dreams, and a whole lot of pain. I thought I had met my soul mate, and it was really just a crock of shit.

Mrs. G asked me if I got anything positive out of the relationship. Well, sure I did. I got to feel love, I got to experience friendship, and I got to feel pampered sometimes. But, at the end of the day, every day, I got to feel alone, abandoned and unfulfilled the way I wanted to be fulfilled. Some days, I regret ever crossing paths with that person, and I just wonder why I had to. “Why show me a dream and then take it away?” says the crybaby to God. What was the purpose of all that? It is NOT better to have loved and lost. I think it’s better to have NOT loved or met at all.

I have not been able to move forward with anyone else since then. Heh, Mr. Prospect still sends me unanswered text messages wondering what he did to deserve the lack of responses from me. Well, first, I didn’t like him. He was a sarcastic and controlling know-it-all narco. I picked up on that very quickly. Secondly, I don’t even think he could have taken Mr. 2012-2013’s place in my heart even if he had been a good person. But he wasn’t, so he needed to bugger off.

Anyway, Mrs. G advised me to: visit the gym more frequently for the serotonin factor, take vitamin D supplements along with my iron supplements, stay close to God, take my medication every day, and don’t smoke “sage.” Honestly, that won’t be a problem. I haven’t messed with “sage” in about two months. I wish they would make it an acceptable bipolar medication, but until then, I won’t mess with it. I have to take drug tests when I see my specialists anyway, and she said if they ever found “sage” in my blood or urine, then they would discontinue my benzos. I actually need my benzos when I go too far into mania.

I liked Mrs. G because she specialized in bipolar disorder. I can’t mess with people who know nothing about the illness. She had a laugh when I was telling her how I became top salesperson/employee of the month at company M (and held the titles for months) with NO prior sales experience. “Manic people can move maintains sometimes,” she said.

It was an emotional time, as I still have many unresolved feelings about my last relationship and my last corporate job. I’m half relieved and half pissed off right now. I hate to cry.

I will use my new book series as a therapeutic mechanism. They aren’t doing that great, but they are listed in the occult section in most countries. I wouldn’t expect occult subjects to do as well as self-help stuff. I know most Christians won’t touch them, even if they are fictional, and there a lot of us in the world.

It did make it to #6 in Japan and like #10 in Germany in its category. Highest it went in the US was #11 in the category. UK ranking was around #86. I’m falling fast though because I’m not promoting it. It’s not about rank, although the OCD part of me cares about that sort of thing. It’s about me being “free” for a few hours in my painful life to do whatever my heart truly desires.

Work Is Not an Option

A long-distance friend reached out to see how I was doing today. I told him I was not doing well, as I have been manic for several days now. I knew it was starting when I got the urge to sing my song, but I still wanted to sing my song. I’m sure the death of my uncle tipped the scales even more for me. The reason I did not go into bipolar depression is that I can’t thanks to Seroquel. Mania control has always been a problem for me, however.

My friend suggested that I try to get a job so I can be around people. He thought I was doing better when I was around people, but he didn’t really have the whole picture. Being out there in the corporate world actually made my condition worse. Believe me, I know. I’ve been in and out of there for 25 years. I just discuss my disease more frequently now because I’m home, and I have the time to jot down my mood changes. When I was trying to work, I was always wrapped up hypomanic relationships, conflicting with co-workers, obsessing over products, being paranoid, or just plain getting wired out of my mind to the point of over performing and burning myself out. It wasn’t good for me. I cycled a lot more then than I do now. It’s just that my focus wasn’t on observing my own disease then; It was on trying to please everyone else.

Aside from the negative parts of my illness that affected my work, I was too sensitive to deal with corporate ethics and politics. They truly sucked. Additionally, I had trouble dealing with the different personalities I’d come across in the workforce. I have a true good nature. I do have an illness that causes me to be bitchy, highly competitive and combative at times, but my nature is good. I always wanted to make friends at work, and I wanted everyone to like me. Unfortunately, I mostly came across users, gossipers and generally nasty people. I only met about three true friends in my 25 years in the workforce. I started working at a very young age, and my earnings go back to 1990. I was working before then even.

I think my experiences at Company M killed any spirit that I had to try to make it out there. That whole deal effed me up bad.

It just doesn’t work. Yeah, I can doctor up a kick-ass resume. I can tell a potential employer everything it wants to hear on an assessment. I can even divert an interviewer’s attention away from my anxiety by bringing awards or colorful presentations and such. I can charm my way into a job offer. But can I really go the duration at this age?

No. I’m too tired to fight with people. I’m too tired to try to prove myself to people who think they are better than me. I’m tired of having to go on medical leave and risk my employers finding out about my illness. I’m tired of defending my competency once they do find out about my illness. I’m tired of competition, jealousy, stereotypes, discrimination, and all that shit. And what is it all ever for? Nine dollars an hour. $11 an hour. I can’t even pay for day care and gas with that.

I will lose the job anyway. Fired, quit, laid off, or run off. One way or the other, it will end, and I will be back at square one. I’m just done. I don’t want to be around worker people. Worker people have done nothing but hurt me. Bosses have done nothing but use me, call me ugly, shoot me down, etc. I’m tired! I couldn’t do it if I wanted to, but I truly don’t have the will to do it if I could.

I told my bipolar high school friend about the project I spent all night on. She cracked up about my crazy ideas, and then we laughed about the fact that I completed the project in one night. It’s something that should take several months. Yep, it’s call mania. I enjoy discussing it with people who understand how it works. I laughed at her when she told me she thought she was Jesus once. I’ve never had the Jesus delusion, but I did start thinking I was the boss at one of my jobs, and I started telling people what to do. I was so embarrassed when I came down. I realized that I wasn’t anyone there, and I realized I was never going to be anyone there. I went straight into depression immediately.

Anyway, I took a benzo twice today, and I’m going to increase my dosage of Seroquel this evening. I pray that the Seroquel increase works because I don’t want to change my meds and risk depression.

Listen Up! The No Contact Rule Is NOT for Playing Games!

The No Contact Rule is NOT for playing with someone’s emotions or trying to force that person to react a certain way. It’s not for “getting your ex back” or any of that other BS. You should not be wondering why “he didn’t call during no contact” or after no contact. It’s NO CONTACT. That’s why he didn’t call.

You should not be worrying about what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling, or what he’s doing. I’m sure he is not thinking about you at all, so don’t waste a moment of your time on him. Do you really need for him to call you? There are billions of men in the world. You can ask any one of them to give you a call. Hell, you can ask several of them. You can even call Domino’s Pizza and order some breadsticks. That would constitute a conversation if you really need to talk to a man. Forget the NC guy.

The No Contact Rule is not a manipulative weapon. It’s a part of therapy, or at least that’s the way “we” use it here. I chose to implement NC because I had no choice as the relationship that I was in was slowly killing me. It was the most excruciating decision I’ve ever had to make in my life, and it was the most excruciating process I’ve ever had to force myself to endure.

I was stuck trying to fight a battle I was never going to win. As much as I loved the person I was with, that person was not really with me and neither was his heart. I didn’t do NC to force things my way or to get a knee-jerk reaction out of him. I did it because I was dying inside. I chose NC over continuous emotional pain, broken promises, dead-end future, etc.

I do teach the practice, and I advise people on using the practice to heal themselves after abuse or such. I will not tell you how to play games with it. If you still want this person to call you, and you’re still “wondering if he’s going to call you,” then perhaps you shouldn’t be doing NC. Just pick up the damn phone and call him. You’re not ready for NC.

I’m a little crabby today, so excuse the abrasive response. I mean everything I say, though. Feel free to email again for additional guidance, lol.

The Secret and Lethal Journal

The patient is glad she has lawyers, and she’s glad she kept a journal since 2002. She found the information the lawyer was looking for, and her lawyer told her the information was “quite helpful.” She doesn’t know what will come of this particular case. It’s been going on for many years. If it works out…great. She thinks that corporations should be punished when they do foul things to the little people in the world. This case involved many injured parties, so she decided to contribute to it.

She knows that she also had a viable case against another one of her previous employers, but she decided not to pursue it. Her reasons? Well, for one, she decided not to retaliate by harming the people who harmed her. Some of them were just ignorant, and one of them was very sick. She decided against trying to punish illness and ignorance. Maybe those people will learn to be kinder to disabled individuals in the future, and maybe they won’t. The way she sees it, separating from that position did wonders for her health. It didn’t cure her of all her ailments, but it made life more stable for her. The loss of health benefits and income was well worth the opportunity to put the pieces of her shattered self-esteem back together. The environment was toxic.

Today was an okay day. She did some more reading last night. Reading is easy because she can do it lying in a supine position even if she isn’t feeling well. She must wear her glasses, however. The blurred vision problem never actually went away.

Today, she thought about psychology, and she thought about how she wished she had the stamina to complete her education. She’s still got six to eight years left in her to finish it, but she never knows when episodes will interrupt. Two years is the max that she has ever gone with a course, and episodes did occur several times during the learning process. She would love to be licensed to treat herself and people like herself. She daydreams about that a lot.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award!


I would like to thank Silence Shattered for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I am happy if I can touch the life of just one person with my words. What I love about Silence Shattered’s blog is that it gives the world some insight into various mental illnesses. I believe that the world needs help understanding mental illness. If we all contribute our wisdom and knowledge, then we can help to alleviate the fear and stigma that exists. Thank you again to Silence Shattered for this wonderful nomination, and thank you for helping the world to understand.

The Rules for Accepting the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

1. Thank you to the amazing blogger who nominated you, with a link back to their blog. (above)

2. List the rules and display the award on your blog. (here)

3. Share seven facts about yourself (below)

4. Nominate fifteen other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they’ve been nominated. (below)

Seven Facts About Myself:

1. I went to acting school when I was a teenager. I had a dream of being a famous musical artist or an actress. It was amazing that I was able to get up in front of people and read scripts, but now that I think about it, I was probably manic during that time, lol.

2. I am a lyricist and a singer. I have many songs on the Internet. Some are rather catchy; some are manicky, raw, and a bit vulgar (my first CD).

3. I suffer with bipolar disorder (manic depression) and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I still appreciate life very much, and I have learned to appreciate the talents that my illnesses give me. Bipolar disorder gives me an artistic ability that has brought forth many wonderful songs. It has given me the gift of writing, and it has made me an extremely passionate, loving and affectionate person. OCD makes me a planner and an organizer. It also makes me a great mathematician and a businessperson. Therefore, I wouldn’t trade my faulty brain for anything in the world.

4. My favorite vacation spot is Key West.

5. My nickname is “Sunshine.” A bipolar friend who appreciated my wit and my inner light gave it to me.

6. I am a geek. No, I mean a real geek, as in I would like to take the Mensa Admission Test just to be a member of that organization. I was geeked out in high school, and I still appreciate a good geek fest. I tinker with electronics, cars and computer software in my spare time. Algorithms are my true love.

7. I am a hopeless romantic. Yes, me. The girl who seems tough on the surface is actually quite squishy on the inside. I still hope for that true knight in shining armor to come whisk me away on his white horse or some such. Still waiting…

And now…my nominations for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award (I wish I could nominate many more):

1. : Sharing insight on diagnosis, providing education, acceptance, and victory over bipolar disorder and mental illness.

2. : My name is Tyler Samuels and I have bipolar disorder. However my illness does not affect who I am, I’m a poet, short story writer and a hopefully soon to be author.

3. : The heartfelt musings of a wonderful girl with dissociative identity disorder.

4. : Hi and welcome to my blog “Shedding Light on Mental Illness.” My name is Amy Gamble and I started this blog to join the dialogue on mental illness.

5. : Noah Weiss. Applied mathematician by trade, and writer and blogger by hobby, and known to the Internet as Noah121 or Noah121Weiss on many Internet forums. Does this make me a nerd?

6. : People with narcissistic personality disorder supposedly make up around 1% of the population, and the majority of those are male. I am a woman with NPD. Most people are incapable of realizing that they are narcissists or refuse to believe that they are despite overwhelming evidence. I know that I am.

7. : Hi. My name is Natasha Tracy; I’m the author and host here at the Bipolar Burble. I’m an award-winning and influential writer, speaker, social media consultant, mental health advocate and professional crazy person.

8. : I live in the borderlands, between reality and imagination, just this side of fantasy.

9. : I’m a 31 year-old guy who lives in the UK…If you were to pass me in the street, you wouldn’t notice anything unusual about me. Inside, though, things are a little different as for the past ten years I have suffered with depression and social anxiety.

10. : My name is Heather. I am new to wordpress, but I heard that it was a good place to join. So, here I am to try it out. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed in 2001 with it. I’m wanting to meet others with it and other mental illness.

11. : I’m a survivor of Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect. This is a live journal that contains some graphic material on Child Abuse and opinions.

12. : My name is Steven Davis, Just hit 30 and I am from the second largest city in the UK, Birmingham. What I am trying to achieve is a on-line community where we can engage and discuss ideas, content and principles for all of us to create a better us.

13. : Hi… My name is Lou…I love to laugh, to be challenged… and to have LONGWINDED conversations about life… and all the wonderful things that have happened.

14. : Who is me? Let’s see… My brain only stops working when it gets overloaded and then I see black, which is because the heel of my hand is pressing against my forehead.

15. : Not your average typical young female adult. Just an extraordinary woman living in an ordinary world.

I will be stopping by at some point today to let you all know you’ve been nominated, ha-ha! Congrats.

Playing Second Best

Second best, fallback girl (or boy), Plan B, and placeholder are just a few of the terms that describe a person who loves a person who loves someone else. Second best people will dedicate themselves to nourishing the other person with pieces of their time, heart and soul. They do this because they truly care about the person, and because they want to be with the other person. Unfortunately, the other person never fully returns the affections because his or her affections are still stuck on “first best.”

People can become second best without knowing it, or they can be willing participants. Most second-besters stay in the game because they believe that they will one day win “the prize.”

I can share my “second best” experiences, and I can provide some guidance to you.

I played second best twice in my life. The first time, I dated the person for four years, and I had no idea I was second best. I gave him all of my affections, my thoughts, my time, my gifts, my help, etc. I desired a family life with him. I thought I was his number one girl, but I wasn’t, and I should have gotten the clue after a while. He stood me up quite a few times over the years. Furthermore, I should have realized after the second or third year of dating that a proposal was not coming. He did marry someone (very quickly), but it wasn’t me. I guess he married his real number one girl.

The second time I played second best, I did it because I believed a series of lies from an older and more experienced person. He may have been a narcissist, but I couldn’t be bothered with analyzing him, lol. Not my problem. Every time this person stood me up during an emergency, (car broke down at 12 a.m., people shooting outside my house, quit my job in a manic frenzy, felt suicidal, etc.) it cut me like a knife. Every time I heard an excuse as to why this person could not be with me, I became depressed.

I felt like ass (worthless/unlovable/used) for the entire stretch of my “second best” stint. He kept feeding me false crumbs of hope and then snatching them away from me every few weeks or months. I retaliated in ways that many enraged or hurt beepers might respond in a moment of devastation. Childish? Perhaps, but I abhor people who twist the insides of sensitive people for personal gain. Anyhow, I finally stopped being his second best, and I benched myself from that game forever.

The end of this post is for the person who emailed me and for anyone else who is currently playing second best. People who trick/coax other people into playing second best are not “prizes,” and you don’t need to feel worthless because they don’t choose you. Most likely, they aren’t treating their number one that great either. Let those people go, and wish them well on their “victory.” Someone else in the world will want only you. Someone else will see your inner beauty, and that person will appreciate and return your affections. Chill until the Lord sends him.

Thicker Skin These Days

One of the problems with bipolar writers is that some of us have thin skin. I remember the hell I went through when I started putting out my first “series of books” last year. I thought I was putting the books out there to help people with the No Contact Rule, but maybe I really just wanted the world to listen to my sad personal struggles, lol. I was in a deep depression, and writing was all I could think to do to keep myself from checking out. Eventually, I became manic, and I cranked out seven volumes in a ridiculously short amount of time.

The books weren’t perfect because I’m not a professional writer according to most editors. I could never afford professional editing, and I doubted if any huge publisher would ever pick me up. Therefore, I chose the self-publishing route.

My first rating was one star in the UK. The man said that my book was fool of…what’s the word…not bollocks…not drivel…but something like that. Then, I got slammed in Germany with one star from a man who felt as though my book was shizen. I was crushed by those ratings, and eventually, I stopped writing the books, and I took my entire series off the market. Let me add that I still made sales—real cash sales—but I couldn’t handle the consumer rejections at the time.

Information about the No Contact Rule shouldn’t be for sale anyway. I can provide that right from my blog, and I can help people who really need it…for free.

Now, a year later, I’m doing mini-books again, but I’m trying something entirely different. My skin is a lot thicker this time. I did the free promotion again, and of course, someone left a poor rating on it. But guess what? It was two stars instead of one, so maybe my writing got a little better since last year. I don’t know what the commentary says, and I’m not going to read it just yet. It may be about the grammar, the format, the cover, or the story. It could be that someone just felt like leaving a low review for a free book. I have no idea. I’m currently on Volume 2, and I will be going through Volume 1 again and making changes to any mistakes I find while it’s free. I will also view the commentary and see if it contains any useful information that I can use for the next one. Some reviews are very helpful, and some of them are just rude put-downs from various trolls.

Last year, I would have been sad, beat down, ashamed, crushed, humiliated etc. over anything less than a five-star rating. This year, I take it as a sign that someone was interested enough to keep reading it, and that person cared enough to say something about it. He or she certainly doesn’t have to continue with the next release.

The point of this post is to state that I did get better with criticism and with not being perfect. I’m okay with not being Stephen King; I’m okay as Timiarah Camburn. I’m cool with people “demoting” me on websites after four years of service if it makes them feel superior. I just don’t write for them anymore.

What’s important to me right now is my own happiness. At this point in my life, I’m going to continue to do whatever makes me happy. Now, on to my writing while I’m still coherent enough to do such.

Inside My Head

Well, I tell ya, by the time I was done taking benzodiazepines twice and an extra chunk of Seroquel once, I was ready to go to sleep by midnight, lol. I can’t do much better than midnight, at least until this month is over. There’s something special that I have to do at 12 on the dot every night. But yeah, that sleep was calling me. It takes quite a bit to put me down when I am manic. I am starting to come down today. I kept taking the benzos, and I’m about to take my Seroquel again.

I am finally meeting my new therapist tomorrow. She made an appointment with me via text? Lol. She’s an older woman whom I will just call, Mrs. G. I have no idea what I’m going to say to her, or what exactly I need help with. Impulse control mostly. A little anger management. Some sort of strategy for ignoring those late night/all night manic callings, lol. They’re not all bad, however. In fact, I liked what I did the other night. I needed to do something fun. I needed to disappear into a fantasy world for a little while and resolve some of the issues that I will never get to resolve in real life, ha.

I didn’t use a pseudonym because I didn’t know how to. By the time Amazon explained how to create a pseudonym, the shyte was already up there under my name. I have a habit of deleting things (books, entire blogs, poetry, articles, etc.) after I come down from mania. This time, I’m leaving my project, and I’m going to continue it once a month (or whenever I’m manic) I think. I put it on for free download, and I did get some downloads and a smidgeon of rank, although I’m not going to be on any best sellers lists any time soon. Some person out there in Japan took one. Japan has never bothered with me before, but maybe the people in Japan didn’t need help with the No Contact Rule. Apparently, fiction interests them. They placed it in the “Science Fiction & Fantasy short reads one hour” section. *Shrugs*

Anyway, if you want to take a look inside my manic head when it’s in a fantasy world, you can click here and download “the project” for free until Sunday. I just decided one night to take my mind wherever it wanted to go and see where it ended up. I have no idea if the thing makes any sense, is coherent, is interesting, or not. I’m sure it’s full of errors, too. I try to edit things myself, but remember, my attention span ends at about 100 words. The first one was just to introduce my characters. I developed them on the spot, so I don’t even know if they’re developed enough at this point. I’ll be fixing it up and closing holes here and there before I release another one. If you do read it…please…no ratings. I will not read them. You can send constructive criticisms via email though.

I think I am going to spend the next few days not posting and just reading other people’s blogs in my free time. I am going to try not to break my wrist digging into this ICD-9 manual tonight while I have the wits to do such. The first codes I researched were the bipolar ones, of course. I’ll be back on Monday or such since I don’t have a “True Blood” breakdown to write anymore :-( I’ll talk about my therapy then. I hope I’m comfortable with the chick. Otherwise, I will get up and leave.